Friend served Husband and I beautifully last night. The whole thing felt just like I could have imagined it going, and better. He lead us to feel a lot about ourselves and our patterns, and how a period of 'detoxification' from the male pattern of relationship would serve me immensely. And that felt so benign, to have Husband hear that not from me, but from somebody he trusts and in that context, where he can feel that as a spiritual discipline, rather than a rejection from me.
So things at home are going to be more formal, and there is no sex, (not that there has been any since we went camping, and that was the first time in a while! None since I had all that fantastic sex with A.). That is a relief.
I have a lot of very powerful and 'mindy' guys in my life, always have. I have always been attracted to powerful men. Whether as friends, mentors or lovers. And what's happened, is under all that masculine influence, mind, consciousness, direction, I've forgotten how to be a woman. Women feel, flow and embrace. I'm learning that I am a feeling-being, after 35+ years.
I compete with guys. I want to be one on some level, because the women in my life (particularly mother, and also early childhood girlfried) were frankly so fucking dull and irritating to be around, and intellectually not very stimulating. So, I gravitate towards men all the time. I do guy things, I play pool, love motorcycles, read a lot of books on guy-things, etc, all partly so I can keep up with the guys in my life.
So, Friend recommended that for now, I minimize casual contact with my men friends, and develop my women friendships, which is going to be hard for me!! But I can completely see why, and feel that is going to be completely useful!! I don't know what I want, as a woman, and need to find out for myself. With no advice or guidance from men, paradoxically, as that very advice came from one, but ... I get that. I can feel the total usefulness of it. I need to learn to be a woman, and I can't do that hanging out with men.
And that is hard, I don't sometimes much like women. There are only a few that I like to be around all that much, honestly. So it will be a real challenge.
But as far as Husband and I are concerned, that all felt like a relief.
A. Yes, A. I called him last night, after he emailed me about his weekend, and said at the end, 'call me if you wanna'. Of course. I was on my way home from work, and mentioned at the end of our conversation that I would be free Friday. What I got back was that he had 2 other possible things lined up, and he literally said to me, that they were his priorities. Ouch.
I felt myself instantly go to pain and hurt and rejection with that.
So I had to go into the evening with Friend and Husband, feeling that wound. I am not A's priority, I'm 3rd on the list. I'm sure I walked right on into that one, didn't I?
It was the word 'priority' that set me off, started that knife twisting.
So I'm feeling pretty hurt this morning. Despite an email from A last night asking about an event that I had mentioned that always happens on a Wednesday that we'd talked about going to together. Maybe I'm being hypersensitive, but he didn't say, 'hey, wanna come with me?' Just that he'd like to go check it out. The inference being alone.
Semantics, I'm sure. But it's all left me feeling wounded, and feeling like a fucking idiot for hoping that I was a priority. I pay attention to the language people use, and maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should just presume there's no problem. Or maybe I should get real, and face facts. What comes first, the chicken or the egg?
I am also entering my PMS week. Must bear that in mind. Things all seem about 300 times the size when there are hormones involved, don't they? I need chocolate. I sent him a calm email, no reactivity, saying he should go check it out this week, and here's the address, and that if he wanted company, I couldn't make it this week, but maybe next. Something that could be read as neutral, and taken either way. No sign that perhaps my heart is breaking.
Jesus, what games we play. I wish I could just say to him, with no fear, "I love you, I'm in love with you, and want to be with you". Why are we always so scared and defensive? Playing it safe, etc. I am crazy about this guy!! And I can feel that my playing it safe has set up a coolness between us, too. An unwillingness to take emotional risks and voice feelings. And that's not just with A, I saw that happen in my relationship with S, too, how it turned out we were both crazy about each other, and for 15 years, neither one of us knew. So, we played it cool, stayed at a distance, both hurting all the while, not being able to move on, or more fully into each other, either. He had to watch me move thousands of miles away and marry another guy.
But, I think I'm starting to get a bit more realistic though, about what A's feelings for me are. Dare I take a risk, and let him know what I really want?
As man-addict, I'm definitely already feeling the withdrawal kick in.
My Stars: Ha.
You may feel that the brakes have just been slammed in the love and romance part of your life, dear Aquarius. Realize, however, that this doesn't mean that you have to stop having fun. Hearty laughter and good times are in store for you today as long as you don't get too hung up on the slow, bullish pace of your love life. Remember that you can have a good time while taking things one step at a time. Savor the moment instead of trying to hurriedly rush on to the next.
Post a Comment