Well, I think my stars say it all, really.
TODAY: Everything seems to be running smoothly or on oiled wheels. Just as well. Since changes are afoot, and you could be a hard act to follow. Meanwhile, with Mars passing through Gemini, various advances will be made today. Dare to admit you’re in love!
Daring to admit that is a little scary. It was all easy to handle when it was just a crush. I think. Or not.
Had some great time with Husband at the weekend. Last night we got to talking about spiritual growth, and how a period of time apart might well be necessary for us both. He had to see that from his end, too, that perhaps we were ready for that. I am not isolated in this process, it's happening for him, too, that he is also outgrowing the need for our relationship, no matter what his emotions may tell him, no matter what fears arise for him. It's a 50-50 thing we're in here. If my momentum shifts, my polarity changes, then so will his. Maybe it was even his that changed first.
Tonight, Friend moves in to stay with us a while, so no doubt Husband and I will get some help with this. Much needed. I am free-falling into an unknown space where there is no room for a relationship based on parental conditioning, it seems. Room for growth is totally necessary, and it's time to sidestep the pattern that Husband and I have been in for all these years. It's scary. It's everything that I thought I was, everything that my life was based on, sex for security, relationships with men in return for what I need, the whole codependency thing. Not that there is no love. Quite the opposite maybe. Because there is love, we can't let ourselves life a mediocre life.
All being overturned, to find a life of true spiritual maturity.
Everything is at risk for that.
It's funny how it's such an ordinary event for people, it happens every day, surely. But to me, it feels literally like death. Like letting go of everything I thought I was, inside and outside. My whole life.
And what I find, again and again, is the moral issues are no longer black and white. It's a case of do whatever is necessary in order to wake the hell up out of this ego-thing we spend our lives clinging to, miserably, through fear. Or at best, in full mediocrity. I never wanted a mediocre life.
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