Divorce

A and I had the most special and magical weekend together. Friday night and most of Saturday, at least. I know, there will be plenty more on here about my divorce. I am not quite in a place to truly talk about that yet, bear with me.

A and I met up for dinner at a new Thai place we'd never been to, and then wandered down to the park I mentioned. We ended up at a gathering not far from there, that I can't talk about on here, because it would totally give away my location, and therefore probably my identity, too, so that's all you're getting. It was a local cultural event, and near the river. We wandered enchanted for a whole evening, among the most amazing people and things going on around us, truly magical and special. We were totally enchanted.
The park we were in closed earlier than we'd realized, and we had to take a long walk home together through industrialized silence and streetlamps for several miles, to get back across the river. It was a gift. We walked, talked, held hands, and too soon, I was at the bus stop, and the bus came. When do buses ever come immediately? When I wanted to spend time sitting alone with A, waiting... So our Friday night departure from each other was far too sudden. I found myself after a much too-quick hug, making my way home alone on the bus.
Husband was there with about 7 or 8 guy friends, all partying, and I went straight to bed.

Saturday, A and I had planned to go to the gathering we were just at, and I got there at noon, A got there at 1. He was feeling the obligation to bring a housemate, and thankfully, it worked out she couldn't come. We had a whole afternoon alone together, taking in the sights and sounds, and took a walk through the park, found a quiet spot and lay down together to sunbathe and nap.

I am usually the one to initiate physical contact in relationships, Mars in Aries, but I couldn't do it, I alternated between not having the courage, and feeling like it wouldn't be right unless A initiated it. I have to animate something different than my usual sexual compulsion and neurosis, so held off, and that really was a struggle with myself. All I wanted to do, was jump on A!!! I couldn't even reach out a hand. I froze. He didn't make any moves. Sister said later that she knows he was holding back for reasons to do with Husband, not any rejection of me. That helped, it was really hard to feel that otherwise, after the last 2 times we've been together and all the hot sex!!
But that half-hour together alone was truly magical anyway. The energy exchange still occurred, you can still fuck somebody at a distance of 6" apart. I was in heaven, as well as hell. More heaven..

At 5, Sister arrived to spend the evening with us. So we sat on the benches back at the gathering, after a wander around the place with her, and watched the entertainment in the middle of things. I was there, happily squashed in between them both, as I didn't have a jacket, and the breeze sprung up.
We left at 8, and Sister has a convertible, so she suggested A and I share the front seat, and she'd give us a ride home. I sat on the way home on A's lap, and could tell Sister was laughing her ass off.
A had been very physically 'respectful' of me all weekend, only really touching me when we held hands on the walk home the night before, and during that evening's watching the show. Really all I wanted him to do was throw me on the ground and ravish me... So Sister came to my aid. I got some lap-time in her car. I love her.

A and I haven't agreed to our next meeting, but I had a totally lovely and silly email last night from him. He's very goofy when he gets going, and I love it. Takes away all seriousness about my own 'predicament'.

Husband said the word last night. I had wanted him to. And now he has. It was an odd moment.

There will never have been another divorce like this before, let me tell you. Highly unusual. We are (most likely getting divorced) separating for very non-usual reasons. Not because of my affair with A. Because Husband and I are in a rapidly accelerating current of spiritual growth right now.
Both of us are skyrocketing along to a point of taking responsibility for the parental conditioning that makes the usual person want to get married and find emotional condolences and security in the idea of being with an 'other'. We've simply outgrown the need for that. We both need freedom, if Enlightenment is going to be possible for either of us. And the signs are all there.

Last night, I felt myself falling in love with Husband again in a whole different way. He and I will always be intimates, always love each other, that much is clear. I have no fears about losing his love, nor he mine. We just can't continue with our growth, or Sadhana, in the present configuration as husband and wife.

And I need a lover with whom I can reach beyond the conventional bounds of sexuality with, and really come to embody Shakti, Babalon, the Goddess. And A is very apparently a man I can do that with. I have never met another man like him.