Initiation

I had an interesting dream last night, I dreamed I was in a hotel with about half a dozen people, Husband, old friends, etc, and there was a young Indian Guru there, who was somehow Herakhan Baba, but not. He was also somebody else, you know how dreams are.
Anyway, I was alone in a room with him, and found myself in bed with him. He whispers that he would like to make love to me.
I had to go outside and tell Husband and all my friends first that Baba would like to 'Intimately Tantrically Initiate' me. Haha. Well, I was happy to be obliging the cute young Baba, and receive my 'initiation'. :-)
That phrase was what my mind came up with. An avoidance of honesty about my own sexual process, in other words, I had to make it sound all Holy and justify it somehow, by calling it that.
I woke up laughing… But also feeling the hideousness of ego and the lies I have always told.

Sadly, I don't remember the interesting part! But I did wake up feeling pretty turned on, too.

I am in my post-bleeding horny phase again, and I wish with all my heart I could feel some attraction to Husband, and I just can't. I crawled into bed with him yesterday morning, just for a cuddle, and could feel nothing for him sexually at all. Meanwhile, I am ready to hump anything else that moves!!

I saw A yesterday. (Husband knew, I told him about her party, and that A would be there). He is as completely fuckable as ever, and I had a hard time not looking over at him all afternoon. It was a nice afternoon and evening, I managed to not bring too much complication into it. We met down town and caught a bus together over to Sister's house, for a small party she threw. He was sweet and polite and we enjoyed each other's company. He took me home again as far as my own bus connection from down town, and I said goodbye with a small kiss on his cheek.
It was just so nice, to sit there next to him on the bus, late at night, feeling his big leg, warm against mine, and just feeling that we can actually relax into a friendship, and just enjoy 'hanging out'. I think I am resigned now to our 'friendship' status, and my possibly always being a little bit in love with him. That's ok. It hurts, it makes me sad as hell, but it's ok.

Weirdly, he moves house on the same day as me, the 29th. He has offered to help, if I need it. He will have Sister's car for the weekend. Husband will be out of town with relatives. He has always managed to be out of town when I need help. Funny, that.

Anyway, I really think I am managing to get over A now. It was nice to feel that change a little.