Mother

Mothers. Mine is a real fucking pain in the ass.

She sent me an email that made me so mad.. She has the mental capacity of a 14 year old sometimes, and no ability to think beyond her own Narcissism, and see that perhaps what she wants for me isn't what is best for me, or what I want for myself, and based entirely on her own fear and very limited life experience, which has been entirely a self-created nightmare, borne out of suspicion, paranoia, fear and mental instability. I know we all think our mothers are nuts, but mine quite possibly really is mentally damaged, and very unstable. I don't exaggerate that.

I calmed down, realized that what she was writing was massively misguided, it was still based on love. It was a real challenge to write to her in a way that was loving, not reactive, so I ended up bcc'ing a good friend of mine, as a way to ensure that I didn't work her over, and to stay responsible as love, instead of all the bile that came up in me.

A dear friend pointed out, very usefully, that I am in the process of not becoming my mother, but transcending the karmas of her path, and her mistakes. Kind of obvious, but I needed to hear that, especially from him.

Aged 19, she married a man (my father) because they 'had to' get married, it was the early 1970's, and I was on the way. He was never engaged in the marriage, was always very distant, somewhat resentful, sexually promiscuous, angry, irresponsible, etc. I could go on. That is the down side. There is of course a good side to my dad, I love him very much. He stuck around until I left home. But... It's funny how we marry our fathers, isn't it?
Husband does love me, it has been good in many ways, and thankfully not promiscuous that I have known about, and it has been much better than my parents' marriage, but it's remarkable how I manifested a guy kind of like my father in a lot of ways. Always busy elsewhere, emotionally disengaged, not as sexually engaged as I would have liked, (of course, now he is, and I'm not!), etc.
My next 'partner', (if I ever can stomach finding myself in that role again), will have to fucking beg me. Seriously. No more luke-warm lovers or distant or 'otherwise busy' people. I will not remarry my fucking father again. I can't go on wanting Dad's attention.

I think I am a bit scared that I won't be strong enough to stick with my word, especially when I inevitably find myself needing to get laid, and some cute idiot comes along willing to do the job.

Behind me, fear, dependency, need, weakness, superficiality, false morality, self-righteousness, justification, smallness, being the 'weaker sex'.
I will be wanted, I will be needed, in the right kind of ways. There are men out there that aren't anything like my Dad, and I feel that pattern might have shifted sufficiently that I might end up with somebody who wants to be more present with me, and who can be more emotionally responsible and loving.

I deserve that.