Responsibility

Wow....... Epiphany time.

I had a massive mind-stopping realization at lunch time about A. He is utterly avoiding responsibility. For his whole life. His problems at work are all about that, his desire to move away from the city and live some idyllic hippy life in the countryside, his relationship with Sister (which is sometimes a bit rocky when he's spending time hanging out with me instead -sorry Sister!), our relationship, my divorce, his own sexual energy, or lack of, you name it. It's like that is who he is, his 'pattern'. I can feel it almost like a tide of energy, going in the opposite direction of taking responsibility.
Holy fucking shit. I think I had a narrow escape.

You might laugh, if you've ready any of the rest of this blog at all. But I couldn't see it. I can now. SO clearly.

He said it so many times in different ways, including the classic (now I see it!) "I can't be the reason for your divorce, just a catalyst." Um, yeah. Great. Thanks.
I felt that was 'slightly naive' at the the time, now I see it as an utter avoidance of responsibility. It takes 2 to tango, Sunshine. Not that he was THE reason, ultimately, but definitely 'a' reason.

I don't know whether this is just my reaction in anger to his sexual rejection of me, looking for reasons to justify my own pain, etc, but I am suddenly seeing A in a whole new light. And Husband, who for all his other shortcomings, is great at stepping up and taking responsibility for his life, for his loved ones, etc.

All part of the healing process, I guess. Suddenly I feel better. Still miss him though. Still feel him as one of the sweetest and sexiest people I've ever known. I still feel that love connection. Still would fuck him sideways if given even half a chance... But...
If we are to be friends still, I will have to keep this all in mind.

So far, our friendship has been a little one-sidedly about me, and not much about him. He has been playing the 'shaman', rescuing me, and I felt bad about that, not knowing what to give back, he's been so kind. But now I see this, perhaps that's also his avoidance, not just my present neediness. If he's in this friendship with me, it's time the tables got turned a bit more in his direction on that level.
And perhaps that's what scares him. He started to see I'm not as in need of 'fixing' as he thought? Or that he is? I don't know. I probably never will. And that's ok too. But he can't expect me not to be straight with him about his own shit, and call him on it when I see it.

I am realizing what I want is not necessarily what I need. And how as an ego I am totally incapable of knowing what is best for myself in any given situation. I feel humbled and embarrassed.