Risks

Was reading a post on Id's Red Book about sex in public places, and it got me thinking about the risk factor.

We all take them, don't we.

Unsafe sex, sex with total strangers, etc. We've all done it. I have had more than my fair share of unsafe sex. By that, I don't mean sex in the path of an oncoming train. Though that might in theory be fun too. ;-)
That's another subject for another post perhaps, how the fantasy is usually more fun than the actual thing sometimes.

Let's face it, condoms suck. They are no fun. They are a total sensation-killer. And I hate that smell.

It was only in my late 20's, 10 years ago now, that I started taking responsibility for having safer sex. I got an HIV test, and I guess if I'm totally honest, it's likely mostly because I've been mainly monogamous during that time, that I haven't put myself at risk in that way since then. That wait for the results can be a long one. I can't say I would never do it again. I would like to think I wouldn't, but honestly? I don't know. In the moment, as we all know, anything can happen, and people get carried away.

I had my last HIV test back in the summer, when I was thinking that A and I were going to be needing to know if it was safe to have condomless sex. The weekend we did have all that sex, we were safe about it.

Why do some people take that risk? I mean, it's your life at stake, isn't it? I fucked a German guy once who was disgusted that I hadn't asked him to put on a condom. He was my first wake-up call I think, that perhaps I should start caring about myself. Off topic, but he had a huge dick!! Holy shit. He could barely even get a condom on that thing, as I recall.

Anyway, he was a crap shag. My first lesson in size not really mattering. And another lesson in how wide my asshole really can stretch, too!

But, there's so much intimacy lost with a condom. And that even applies to sex with strangers. Perhaps more so. There's an emotional thing that's missing, it's not just physical sensation. Sex is definitely psychologically more intense too, with no condom on. It's the risk factor, but I don't think just that, I think it's also a matter of knowing that there is a barrier between you, literally. And not only the risk of HIV, but the risk of pregnancy, too.

I think there is a basic psychological and emotional, (possibly even spiritual), need I have, to feel and allow a mixing of fluids during sex. It isn't a sterile act. It's an exchange of energy, on all levels, and if one of those levels, the physical level, isn't felt, then the rest of it feels somewhat out of touch, too.

Husband and I hardly ever use condoms, for all the reasons listed, but, he never comes inside me either, and there are times I definitely wish he would. He did, this last time I had my period, and although a bit scary, it was a fun moment. I do sometime wish he would put one on and come inside me, but what tends to happen, is his coming isn't always, um, 'planned', so that's a rare event. I miss it! And I refuse to take the pill, that sucks, and almost killed me in my teens, I think. Killed my sex drive, and ruined my figure. Bah..

I think in this day and age, so much has been made illegal or impractical, that we take those thrill-seeking risks in other ways now. We can't (well some of us can't!), legally or morally allow out ourselves to go certain places sometimes. I'm talking about myself here, obviously.

Carl Jung said something about this, that the more repressed we are by rules and morals, the more risky our behaviour becomes, when we do finally seek outlets for all that energy.
And that doesn't just apply to sexual behaviours, but right across the board, obviously.

So, when I started taking more responsibility, using condoms, it freaked my fuck-buddy S out at the time, and he still to my knowledge hasn't had a test. Last time we fucked, shortly before I met Husband, I made him wear one, and he did so very graciously, bless him. But I doubt he's ready yet to take that test.

Why not? Why is it so hard for some people to do? It was such a weight off my mind when I got my results back, that I didn't want to go through all that again, and have been safe and (more or less) monogamous ever since.
More's the pity. And that's the thing. I feel caged up a little at the moment again. And I am quietly wondering when my next bout of risk taking will happen, and how I can make it safe but still a risk?

I think that's where the tying up comes into it, the spanking, pain, and associated nervousness, it's the seeking of other kinds of thrills in my sex-life, as that one is a dead-end.

This all might well sound pretty obvious to some people, but these realizations are all new to me.