Master just sent an email to everybody saying that Husband and I are free to re-engage our relationship. He said we're grown up enough now, to get together again, if we want to.
Now I have one of the biggest decisions in my life to face.
IS it a decision though? I do love Husband so much, but there has been so much pain, I am still inclined to move on, let the past go. But saying that, my heart broke so badly, I loved him so much, and I know E isn't 'the one', despite how good it feels. Or do I? Do I even believe that there is any such thing as 'the one' anyway? I always thought Husband was that, and that all got up-ended.
Fact is, neither Husband, nor E, is 100% perfect. There are plenty of pros and cons on either end of this one. Plenty.
Fuck, shit, fuck. I don't know. It will take some serious consideration. The last thing on Earth I want to do is hurt either of them.
Perhaps I don't have to choose. Perhaps it's not my choice anyway. Perhaps Husband has already made his choice. I don't know.
Does that choice have anything to do with who I want to go to bed with? I would pick E, as it stands.
Does it have anything to do with who I would want to spend my life with? Who is the best option for my lifestyle, and how I want my life to look in the longer term? I would have always said that was Husband.
Does it have anything to do with either of those things? I really don't know.
Who do I feel the most love with? Well, when E holds me, it feels pretty damn good. When Husband held me, he never felt quite as fully present. But, he had supported me through thick and thin, until Master's arrival. How can I judge that one? Can I assume he's really grown that much, that that has changed significantly enough to make the difference? Have I grown enough?
I can't see the bigger picture with E yet, not enough time has passed.
Who would I save from a burning building?
Fuck, so complicated. From the outside, I know exactly what I would say to me. Hell, no, don't go backwards. But I'm not on the outside, am I? I am the one feeling all the feelings, regardless of the rational thing to do, the good advice I would be getting if I threw this one out to other people. But they aren't me, they don't know what I've been through, or why it was that Husband and I even got the divorce in the first place. It wasn't because we didn't love each other any more.
Did I have such little faith in this process, in Master, in Husband, that I took off so soon and found another guy? Apparently. I am slightly ashamed of that. But how the fuck was I to know that Master would ever give us that back? It wasn't looking likely.
Master wants me to come to see him tonight, and I don't want to go. I don't feel ready.
And I am a bit of a mess at the moment.
I guess I'm not ecstatic about this, not wanting to run over there to see them immediately, not willing to let E go and drop everything, to run back to Master and Husband, am I? HHmm..
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