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2nd Audit

From my diary, my 2nd Scientology auditing session last night:

I was about 18 months. Mum walked me into the living room, and X's puppy was there. It ran over to me and scared the crap out of me. It jumped up and knocked me over. I fell on my ass, and also hurt my right hand and wrist and elbow. In the session I felt the pain, very real. That's such an odd phenomena!!
Dad was there, reading a book, not really interested in what was going on.  I was crying, and mum picked me up. Dad said not to panic and take me to the Dr's, I was probably ok.  I don't think I was, I had hurt my wrist..
I wasn't so much scared of the dog, but scared of the sudden way it had run at me, when I hadn't been expecting it to be there!! It was nearly as big as me.  It licked me, I could remember the feeling of it's tongue on my face. I don't like the smell of puppies and dogs.
I've always felt like a disappointment that I hadn't been able to deal with the puppy, I knew mum really wanted a dog. We had to give it back to X, and she found another home for it. Auditor asked me the puppy's name, I said Sam. 
Auditor asked me to remember a happy time and I also remembered walking into the cage in the cats and dogs shelter, when I got my first cat a year later, and feeling this instant connection with her, and this feeling of immense love for her, and her coming and loving on my hand, and she felt SO soft and I loved it... I remember feeling the total delight when I realized she was loving me back, and happy to be being petted by me.

Also remembered being out in the garden, eating strawberries from the strawberry patch. Dad was digging in the garden, with a spade, I could hear that sound of the spade going into the earth, and smell the earth, and feel the wind. I was cold, it was sunny, but I only had a thin yellow t shirt on, and my diaper.  I had bare feet, and could feel the grass and the strawberry leaves. I found a strawberry and ate it, it wasn't ripe enough, and was really sour. I went over to Dad, and held up the stem of the strawberry, and Dad yelled "oh my God, don't eat those!"  He picked me up and took me inside and sat me down in the kitchen, then got into an argument with mum when she called him irresponsible for not paying attention to me. She said she wanted to go back and live with her mom, and didn't want to be there with him in this house any more. I was terrified she was going to leave me.
I was so not wanting to be there with these two angry people, and I left my body, went out for about 5 minutes, to escape all the emotion. I was looking at myself from across the room.

After the session, Auditor said something about respecting your body, and I realized suddenly that I had the same attitude to my body as Dad had towards Mum, and Ex had towards me, no respect, just a necessary inconvenience that I have to put up with. Time to stop trying to escape it, and time to start respecting my body a little more, and stop seeing it as an inconvenience and a burden.
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