OK, so some times my mind is in the gutter. And don't tell me your mind doesn't go there sometimes, too. I know it does. You're out in public and your eyes make you see certain guys who, for different reasons, come into your line of vision and you let yourself linger a little longer than you should and you start making up this fantasy about what he looks like naked, which then progresses into what he might be like in bed. Sorta like making this little porno movie in your head that's only about the sex and has nothing to do with who this guy is as a real person.
Then there are those times that are in a different category altogether. Not "gutter-looking," but more like just innocently noticing an attractive guy. Brad and I have talked before about how we might be riding around, for example, and we both might do a double-take on some guy. Just boy-watching is all it is. Sometimes we both turn our heads toward the same guy, chuckle, and then there's this little sly grin that breaks out between us. Most of the time we don't have to say a word. That mutual sly grin says it all. It's kinda fun, ya know? Totally innocent. Life goes on. Eyes back on the road. We get back to talking about whatever lofty subject we were on. You know, the meaning of life, what Beckett was trying to get at in Waiting for Godot, the pros and cons of vegan, and that all important topic of do we stop at McDonald's for a burger until we decide!
That first category ("gutter-looking" leading to a porno movie in your mind) involves no one getting hurt. It just leads to your body getting flooded with all those hormones responsible for making you super-horny... like when you actually watch a real porno movie.
That second category ("boy watching") is also innocent. Just appreciating a nice-looking guy walking down the street.
Then there's another category when you decide to let what's happening in your brain grab you by the, well, uh, genitals and leads you to make a move on somebody. Active flirting. Cruising. It's what happened when I first laid eyes on Brad at my eighteenth birthday party and went over to talk to him... kind of in a mental daze because I thought I had instantly fallen in love! That's what it felt like. Of course, it was just "falling in lust," pure and simple. So I'm not knocking "falling in lust" because, for us, it then led to us dating and, well, you know the rest of the story. Here we are now. Not in lust anymore (though lust makes it's appearance at all the right times!), but in love.
Why am I rambling on like this? I just read back over everything I wrote and almost deleted it so I could start over again. I decided to leave it in, I guess, so I could tell you where I'm coming from in the real point of this post. So bear with me while I continue.
The only guy I've ever actively flirted with with any degree of mission has been Brad. I had some serious crushes on a few guys in high school, all of whom were straight with girlfriends, but never made any moves on any of them. I have to admit some of those crushes made my brain do some gutter-porno movies, but it was all in my head and the only action I ever took was with my "handy hand" in the privacy of my bedroom or shower.
Before Brad, there were a few guys who flirted with me, but I was never confident enough or, to be honest, knew what you're suppose to say to get from point A to point B or C or D or... you get the picture. It was always kind of anxiety provoking and, whether you believe this or not, I'm actually kind of shy when it comes to that kind of thing. I mean, when I know the rules and routine of doing something socially, I'm pretty good at it. But "flirting on a mission" has never been something I've been confident about. Something different kicked in that day I met Brad and I started making the moves. I have no idea how to explain it. It just happened. That's all I can say.
So, the real point of this post is this. A couple of days ago at school I was being cruised by this guy on campus. It took me a while to realize that's what was happening. I decided to write about it... well, I know you're not suppose to give the ending away, but you'll see the point (I hope) when I get to the end.
So, there's this guy in my Intro to Psychology class who had been sitting opposite me at this long table in the classroom during my first week in school, which was last week. If you remember, I was a "wee bit nervous" (understatement of the year) and anxious and on the edge of a full-blown nuclear panic attack that week. I was taking notes like crazy, like I was a court transcriber who had to get every word being said from the witness! When the prof took a 10 second break for a sip of water, I would glance up and look around to see if anybody else was about to go mental like me. Then I'd be back to taking notes. I sorta started relaxing after a while and tried to just go with the flow. Most of the stuff the prof was talking about was just explaining what the course is, etc.
Anyway, every time I would look around the class, that guy sitting across from me would smile at me. Not in a creepy way. He actually had a cute mischievous look to him. I sotra gave him a little smile back but didn't linger.
Well, at the end of class I looked up and noticed him gathering all his stuff, getting ready to leave the classroom like me and everybody else, and he glances over and smiles again and does that slight nod of the head guys do with each other. Sorta like, "How ya doing?" except it's all non verbal. I just did a little nod back and grabbed my stuff and left.
This week, we were sitting in about the same location with us facing each other. He smiles and nods. I smile and nod back. The smile thing goes on a few more times during class. Well, this week I'm all cool and collected compared to last week. My nerves have been taking a nap and I feel like I'm returning to my normal self.
So, I'm sitting there and it's dawning on me that he's actually flirting with me. And I've been all smiley and doing that nodding thing back. So, guess what happens? That's right, my nerves wake up from their nap and I'm getting all freaky inside. What the hell am I doing? So, I go back into "scholar" mode and start taking more notes and keep my head down.
When class is over, he's sorta lingering at the door and we walk out together. I don't want to give the wrong impression about him. He's really not overdoing anything or acting like a stalker. Sitting across the table from me he looked like he was not a day over 16. But standing up and chatting, he looked a little older, like he was probably 18. He's got this "boy-next-door" look, tall and slender, blonde hair and a few freckles. No, I'm not checking him out, but he did have those freckles.
OK, so I was noticing him more than I said. He really did have this adorable and innocent look about him and he was being friendly. He introduced himself and I did likewise. He asked me if I had another class right then, which I didn't, and asked if I wanted to grab a soda or coffee. So I said, "Sure." Then we headed to this cafe/snack bar in the building next to where we were.
We get there and he's asking me where I'm from, etc.... He tells me he's from this state out in the midwest and his home is about a hundred miles from the nearest big city. He's living in one of the dorms and said he was feeling a little overwhelmed by the number of people everywhere.
So, I'm now thinking maybe he's just lonesome and is trying to zero in on a few people he can be friends with. I can handle that. I can certainly identify with feeling overwhelmed.
Then he asks me if I've made any friends on campus. I tell him I've talked to a few people who seem nice, but it's just the second week. Then I had this gut feeling that, yeah, maybe he is lonesome or something, but he had that shy look on his face and something about the way he was smiling told me he actually was doing some low-key flirting.
So, I use this opportunity to tell him that the only person on campus I know really well is my boyfriend who is taking one class on Thursdays.
Now he's slowly and slightly nodding his head as he takes this in. Then his face starts blushing and he sorta does a little gulp. He gets really quite and I realize he's going into embarassment mode. So now I'm feeling bad that I didn't make this known earlier. He really seemed like a nice, decent guy and I now I'm trying to think about how to put him at ease.
So I tell him I should have said something earlier and he jumps in and apologizes for being so forward. I just said something like, "Hey, you have nothing to apologize for. You didn't do anything wrong. I really am trying to make a few friends, and, well, maybe we can hang out together." He just looks at me and said, "You sure?" So I said, "Yeah. That'd be nice. I'd like you to meet my boyfriend if you're around on Thursday." He asks, "Will he be cool with that?" Now I'm chuckling and just say, "Yeah. Why wouldn't he be cool with it? We're both wanting to make some friends and so far haven't met any other gay people here. Uh, I guess I'm assuming you're gay. Sorry about that... Now I'm totally embarrassed because you might be bi or straight, or..." And now I'm the one blushing.
So, he tells me he's gay and would really like to hang out with the two of us. So we make plans to meet at a certain time and place tomorrow when Brad's going to be on campus. We talk a little more and finish our coffee. We get ready to leave and both go through our apologies to each other again and it's actually kinda sweet, ya know?
When I leave campus I call Brad to tell him about it. The whole thing. All he says is, "Cool." When we get together later that night we talk some more about it and the conversation starts taking twists and turns I hadn't anticipated. Now I'm realizing the whole thing is a little more complicated than just, "Cool." We talk some more and, well, Thursday is tomorrow, and... I have to leave now and get myself to class. Sorry. Details will follow tomorrow.
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