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When Will I Ever Learn?

Okay, just so you know, this is Matt. I know the plan was for Brad to take over the blog and other things for a while. At least until I got settled in school. Well, guess what? The way I'm feeling right now, I don't think I'll ever get settled. Anywhere. School. Life. You name it.

Sometimes I think I kid myself into thinking I've got my shit together. Sometimes I think I live in a dream world of some kind where I think I actually might make something out of myself. That's how I'm feeling right now and I HATE IT.

Guess I should explain what happened. It's not the first time something like this has happened and I seriously doubt it will be the last. I almost decided not to write about this because you're probably going to see a different side of me. It's a side of me I HATE.

But, anyway, I'm sitting here at home right now beating myself up and maybe this will calm me down. It doubt it will, but I can't stand just sitting here by myself with nobody to talk to. That's right, poor little Matt feeling all sorry for himself. Poor, pitiful thing. When will he ever learn that he's a total fuck-up? Awww, what a shame, what a shame. Thinks he's all grown up but he's really just a little boy pretending to be grown-up.

So I finally started college yesterday. How the hell did I ever get in anyway? They don't admit little kids but, once again, they must have felt sorry for me and decided to take a risk. Boy were they ever wrong.

So I get to campus yesterday and there's tons and tons of people running all over the place. People who look like they all belong and know what they're doing. Nobody looks freaked out or nervous. People walking calmly across campus. Some in groups. Lots of laughter from some. Everybody looks like it's just another normal day. Something they've been doing their whole life.

The only one who sticks out is me. I swear I'm the only person there who is freaking inside. "Holy shit. What the fuck am I doing here?" I don't know a single person and I'm totally convinced everybody can see all the sweat pouring off my body. People are probably seeing me and thinking, "Look at that weirdo. Doesn't he know the high school is down the street?"

So, I start to panic and actually almost turn around to head back to my car to leave the campus and go back home. Then I heard this voice in my head that was something my high school counselor told me once. "When you feel like you're freaking out, Matt, it's probably just some anxiety. You're not going to die from it. You just need to slow down and go to that place you have when you meditate. You're going to be all right."

So, I'm hearing that in my head and thinking it's all bullshit. But then, maybe it's not bullshit. I was really nervous about the first day so I luckily got to campus early and had some spare time. I looked around and saw a clump of these really huge oak trees away from the main action and my feet started taking me there. It had been raining and there was still a slight drizzle, but it was pretty dry under the trees, but I sat on my backpack to keep my butt dry. Nobody was close around so I felt like I could just become invisible. I sat down, faced away from all the action, closed my eyes, starting doing my deep breathing that always helps and then sorta put myself in a trance. I have this meditation thing I do where I imagine going to a really nice, peaceful, quite and safe place. It was hard to go there because I didn't want to be late for my class. But it worked. Maybe there is a God. After about 20 minutes I felt like I had just had a nap.

So to make a long story short, I got through the day. All those freaky feelings I was having didn't go away completely, but I did manage to get where I was suppose to be and actually absorbed about 50% of what happened in my classes.

So, YAY. A success, right? Mission accomplished. No gran problema. Yeah, I guess so. I got through the day. When everything was done and I left campus for the day, my head was spinning, but I actually felt kinda proud of myself. Damn, I made it through the first day. Maybe I can do this. Couldn't wait to tell Brad all about it. I knew he would understand and say all the right things. And, God, all I wanted was for him to hold me and be there for me.

When he came over, he had the sweetest smile on his face and wrapped his arms around me. For a minute I felt like I was going back in that trance where everything was peaceful. Then my eyes couldn't hold it back anymore and I broke down crying like a baby. Blubbering is more like it. He just held me tight and rubbed my back and did this thing where he rubs my scalp and I get all sleepy. He didn't say a word for a while. I think he knew what had happened when I freaked on campus. I had been telling him how anxious I was for the past week. Then I told him the whole story.

He stayed over for a while, but he and his family already had plans to go to the hospital to visit Brad's godmother who was diagnosed with this serious blood cancer. She means the world to Brad and their family and I wanted him to be there with her. I was actually feeling back to my normal self and just wanted to relax and unwind, talk to my family some, eat some mac and cheese, take a warm shower, get in my pj's, listen to some calming music and then head to bed at a decent hour.

So all that happened and I was starting to feel sleepy. Brad called later to check on me and say good night. Then I get in bed and start re-living everything that happened during the day. I also have this thing I do when that happens where I tell myself, "STOP! You can think about all this in the morning. Just stop thinking!" Well, it worked and I went into a deep sleep. I don't remember waking up even once.

So, here's the thing. I slept so deep I didn't hear my alarm this morning. My mom and dad had gone to work. My little brother had already left for school and here I was with my mind in a total fog trying to figure out where the hell I was. I had already missed my first class for today. So, that's right, in spite of the hell I went through on day one, in the end I made it through with some level of success.

Now it's day two and I've totally fucked up. The first class meeting for this course in American History, and I'm still asleep in my bed dreaming about God knows what. Totally missed it. Then I start going all through the same panic I had yesterday. What a fuck-up I am. What am I suppose to do now? Do I call the instructor and leave a message? Do I send her an email explaining, "Uh, I'm sorry I missed the first class. You can kick me out if you want to. I'll fully understand."

So, I got my balance back a little while ago and shot her an email explaining that I had overslept and apologized and offered to do whatever she wanted me to do to make it up. I'm still waiting to hear back from her.

I've got another class in a few hours and that's it for the day. Ain't no way I'm missing that.

Part of the problem is I should have taken that medication I take for my ADHD yesterday. I'm down to a small dose and it really does help slow my mind down and help me focus and concentrate. I totally know that. I still have this shame thing going on about having to take medication to make my brain work right. I know, I know. I should be over that by now, but I'm not. It's not something I dwell on much any more, so that's good. But I thought I could make it yesterday without it. Big lesson learned. Too much is at stake. I'm back on it today.

Sorry this is so long and I promise not to write so much in the future. I apologize for dumping all this on everybody, but, maybe you should know this about me because it might explain other fuck-ups in the future. I'm learning there are just some things I have to accept about myself. Like I get these "high alert" anxiety attacks when I'm out of my normal routine and start moving into new, bigger and unfamiliar routines. And I have to take my medication. I've found in the past that once I'm settled into new routines, I can cut back or even stop the meds. My doctor said that was okay, so I'm not trying to play my own doctor.

And, I have to take Brad at his word when he tells me he's cool with helping me organize myself until I get my feet firmly on the ground. So, "Boss Bradley," I'm glad you're patient with me. And still love me. I'm sorry I'm such a pain and handful sometimes.

Okay, I've gotta go now. Need to jump in the shower, eat some lunch and head back to school. Oh, and take my meds.

My class this afternoon is one I think I'm gonna like. It's a literature class and the description is, get this, "...proceeds with the study of literature and art from ancient Greece through the nineteenth century." Holy shit! That's a lot of ground to cover and master. Okay, breathe. They're not going to cover all those centuries in a semester. It's probably more of a summary study. I'm going to make it. Don't panic. I can do this. And take my meds!
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