Reviewing my resolve, part 2

In my last post on "resolutions" for the new year, I mentioned that I decided to use a new word I hope will help make this endeavor a little more enjoyable.

I also mentioned that it's a word I was introduced to when I was a kid. And like a lot of things pertaining to my childhood, it was connected to my efforts to deal with my attention deficit disorder, and in particular the hyperactive part.

My parents did a good job of trying to find ways to help me settle down and focus when I needed to do that. Before I even started first grade, I was evaluated, which included a recommendation that medication be considered to help the part of my brain that seemed to be on overdrive.

The other recommendation included my parents and I talking to a specialist who could help us come up with a plan to help with my hyperactivity as well as help all of us find out the best way to help me learn in school.

As I got a little older I started seeing a counselor in school who had a lot of experience working with kids who had ADD and ADHD. He also said he wanted to help me with my frustration about how hard it was for me to keep friends. I've always been very competitive (in addition to being hyper) and this pushed a lot of kids away because I was too much of a "handful" for them.

Being competitive was a big part of my makeup, and not being able to manage that competitive streak had been the source of a great deal of difficulty in getting along with other kids. Just trust me on this one. Being a little hyperactive kid was hard. And it was also hard on other kids who just wanted to play with me without me overwhelming everything.

As I got older, I always wanted to win when it came to spots and I always wanted to be liked. The problem I had was getting those two goals to cooperate with each other. If I tried too hard to win at something, I seemed to lose sight of how other kids felt about my drive to always win. I would try so hard to be the best at sports, for example, that I didn't realize that my bragging was a major turn-off to others. My brain operated on the "one track" principle: Whatever you're doing at the moment, block everything else out and get the job done.

The counselor I started seeing in school realized I was extremely frustrated when I felt like other kids didn't want to be around me because I was trying too hard to win and be the best. I was on the road to being extremely good at sports, for example, but I wasn't gaining any friends in the process. If it hadn't been for this counselor, I probably would have ended up as a good athlete who was very lonely, confused, and depressed.

Well, he decided to use my competitive streak to help me be my best in sports and to also be more aware of my behavior with other kids. He was trying to move my "one track" brain to "two tracks."

He knew me well enough to know that I always liked a good challenge. When there was a clear goal I could focus on, I had fewer distractions. I didn't need any help in challenging myself to excel in sports. I did need help in challenging myself to be good in sports and being a good team player.

Since I was already competitive, he started using the word "challenge" to make me aware of accomplishing the two goals I had: (1) to be good at sports, and, (2) to have friends who liked being around me.

I won't go into all the details of how he helped me set this up, other than to say that he challenged me to be more aware of how to accomplish both of my goals. I'm please to say that this was a major turning point for me. I was able to see how I could be even better at sports if I was working better as a team player.

Well, guess what? I continued doing well at sports and I started making more friends. My journey to develop a "two track" brain started paying off.

So, there it is. I guess I started loving the word "challenge" because it had so many positive payoffs for me. I continued to challenge myself to be good at sports and I started challenging myself to be a good team player. I started having more friends because they could see this was not "all about me." This was now "all about us."

Now that you have the background to how I'm going to accomplish some of my goals, or resolutions, for the new year, my next post will be explaining how I'm going to use my competitive spirit to challenge myself to accomplish three really important goals. The goals I've selected this year all have to do with some major changes I'm planning.

Okay, I just re-read everything I wrote here and to make some edits, etc. Since we started the blog I've been trying not to apologize for writing such long posts, so I'm not going to do that now.This is just the way I write and I don't think it's too bad. I figure people will either read it, skim it, or not bother. I hope you read it because I think it explains who I am a little better.

Anyway, the next post will be part 3. Maybe things won't seem so wordy (or hyper) if I break it up like this. If you got this far, thanks for reading! ;)

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My Big Adventure

I was talking to a friend of my little brother (or as he would say, "younger brother") who is beginning the application process for college next year. He asked me for some advice about how to write his Personal Application Essay.

He showed me the guidelines for the Essay and it got me to thinking about "adventures."

Here are two of the guidelines one college gave for the Essay:

• Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
• Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

There were a couple of others, but it was the first one that really caught my eye. Like I said, it got me to thinking about  "adventures" I've already had or "adventures" I want to have.

One of the biggest adventures I'm planning on having is hiking the entire Appalachian Trail. When I was thirteen, I got really interested in hiking, backpacking, and camping when my uncle and cousin included me on a three day, two-night "mini-adventure" through the small section of the Appalachian Trail that goes through Massachusetts.

To this day I still think about that mini-adventure. It felt like my uncle initiated us into a different world that had different rules. I remember being in awe of how unfamiliar and unpredictable that different world seemed.

You see, a lot of my early life was all about how to make my world familiar and predictable. Having ADHD meant I had people help me set up very predictable routines and schedules that would help me organize myself as well as organize my world.

Without those predictable routines and schedules, I have no doubt I would have failed miserably in school, had no friends, and might have ended up in serious trouble because of my impulsive behavior. The medication I took helped tremendously, but I still had to have help learning different behavioral strategies to manage things.

My little mini-adventure that long weekend when I was thirteen changed me in some profound ways. I wouldn't have been about to articulate this when I was thirteen. I probably said the weekend was "awesome" or "a lot of fun." But looking back now I can say with certainty that it changed me in some major ways.

My uncle talked to us about how to pay attention to all the different "rules" in this new world he had taken us to. Even though there was no chance we'd get lost, he spent time teaching us about the compass, how it worked, and how to use it in this new world we were in. It was almost like that compass was some magical instrument in a sci fi story. Something that our very survival depended on. If we lost that compass, we might be lost forever.

And even though there was a clearly marked and obvious trail to follow, for a thirteen-year-old boy who had only known a world that made sense if it looked a certain predictable way, this place could have been on another planet in another solar system in another galaxy. It was full of wonder and magic and danger and strange sounds (and lack of sounds).

One of the ways this mini-adventure changed me was discovering that I could actually slow myself down. I could slow my brain, my thoughts, my emotions, my fears, my excitement. Everything. I was so use to my brain being in control of everything, I had to learn how take control and make my brain follow my instructions.

I also learned that I had to sharpen my observation skills so I could actually figure out how things worked in this new world. There were certain plants you had to avoid because they had this power to give you a rash if you messed with them.

We also had to be aware of Black Bears, since we were in territory that included these beautiful but potentially dangerous animals. If we ran across one, there were certain ways you had to react. We were in their world. They had certain ways of doing things and you had to respect that.

Another lesson I learned was that I needed to be prepared to rely on myself. A big fear of mine then was I might get separated from them and would have to rely on myself to survive. I know now there was little chance of that happening, but at thirteen years old, all kinds of thoughts went through my head. I needed to be prepared for anything.

The major thing I discovered about myself that weekend was I wanted to learn about and explore as many of those different worlds as I could. It's been like a fire burning inside me ever since. Hence, my desire to hike this world called the Appalachian Trail.

I'm already in pretty good physical shape, but nothing like I need to be for this kind of adventure. So I'm working on a physical training schedule to become a seasoned hiker that will prepare me for a backpack containing up to 50 pounds of supplies and food, all day, every day. Not to mention all that's involved in getting my legs and cardiovascular system ready for a rugged hike.

And here's the kicker. I seriously want to do this hike alone. From the research I've done I know there will be hikers on the way. But I want to do a solo hike.

I'm really grateful for all the people along the way who have helped guide me through all the challenges of my ADHD. But now I need to have an adventure where it's just me. Maybe it's because I need to prove something to myself. Maybe it's because I need to learn more about myself. All I know right now is that I want this adventure. Or maybe "need" is the better word. This feels like an adventure I need to happen.

I'm sure I'll be writing more about this, so stay tuned.

So, what do you think? What Big Adventures have you been on? What Adventures do you want to have? What do they mean to you? What do they say about you? How would you answer that college Personal Application Essay I mentioned at the beginning?

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

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Growing Up

I have a lot of growing up to do and it's a lot harder than I ever thought.

I want to share something that happened this past weekend that was really hard for me to go through while it was happening and is still hard even after everything got all worked out.

Just so you know, Matty saw this post before I put it here and completely supports me in posting it. We made an agreement before we ever started this blog that we would never use the space here to publicly agrue. 

We thought it might be a good idea to share a little of what happened because we're both learning that relationships can get really complicated sometimes and you can't always see what you need to do without the help of friends and people who care enough to be very honest with you.

I'll give a summary of what led up to the problem and then talk about how we worked things out.

Last week Matty had some negative feelings about something that happened between him and a friend of his. He got really worked up about the whole thing and within the span of just a few minutes had decided he never wanted to have anything to do with this friend again. He started saying all kinds of mean and unfair things about this friend -- but not to this friend. He was saying all this to me and a couple of other friends of ours. By the way, we're all friends with this person Matty was so angry at.

Nothing anybody said to Matty about how he was handling this was getting through to him. Everybody was telling Matty he should talk to the friend about what was bothering him and try to work things out. Matty kept getting more and more mad and said some really nasty things about the friend. It was really hard for all of us to be around because he was getting more and more worked up and couldn't see how talking to his friend would help. He just kept saying all these harsh things about his (and our) friend and wouldn't let any of us help him think about what he could do.

After a while he eventually calmed down and contacted his friend and within about five minutes everything was worked out. It had all been a misunderstanding on Matty's part and they're good friends again.

Matty then apologized to me and the other friends he had been talking to for saying all the harsh things he did and making all of us get really upset with him. You could tell the apology was real and genuine. Matty was upset with himself for being so unfair to the friend and was also upset with himself for involving all of us and being so self-centered (his words) that he was taking his feelings out on us.

Well, in addition to feeling good that Matty and his/our friend were okay again, we all accepted his apology, not that he was mad at the friend because that happens sometimes, but that he was taking his feelings out on us and pushing us away while we were truly trying to help.

After he apologized and I (thought) accepted it, I didn't realize at the time that I was still feeling really upset with him. To be completely honest, I had this worry that maybe he didn't really learn anything and it might happen again and the apology was just empty words.

I didn't tell him this because at the time I didn't realize I was still doubting his apology. All I knew was that I was still skeptical of his apology and thought I had to keep some kind of "punishment" going because -- and this is hard to admit -- I sorta felt like I couldn't trust his apology. I kept my distance from him and sorta started this cold war.

Later the next day he was joking around with me and just being his usual silly self. He's actually a lot of fun to be around when he's feeling happy and enjoying being with me. Sometime he likes to pick on me, all in a playful and fun way, and we go back and forth with these really silly jabs and usually end up feeling super close to each other. What Matty didn't know was that I had this "secret cold war" still going on inside of me.

At one point I asked him to stop all his kidding around because I was getting irritated with it, but he thought I was just being playful and kept on and on and on, trying to get me in a better mood. When he wouldn't stop and I had enough, I snapped at him and it sorta startled and confused him. He could tell I was serious and, since he didn't know there was this cold war going on, he snapped back at me. Since we're being honest here, I called him an asshole and he snapped back and said I was being the asshole.

Well, the cold war then became a hot war and I stormed out of the house, got in my car and called my sister. My sister and I have always been really close and I can tell her anything and know she'll listen to me, take me seriously, and be totally honest with me.

I told my sister everything that happened over the past few days including how Matty handled the friend situation, including the fact that he apologized for how he had taken out his feelings on me and the other friends who were only trying to help him out.

I told her I didn't know if Matty would go back to his old ways and do it all over again and I had to keep on him and not cut him any slack because I maybe didn't trust his apology.

Eventually my sister said something like, "You make Matty sound like he's our dad." You see, my dad use to make all these screwups when we were growing up and then he'd apologize and we'd believe him and then he'd start drinking again and being a real asshole. It got to where nobody believed him anymore and we all ended up really hurt and didn't trust his apologies anymore. My sister pointed out that when somebody close to me screws up and then apologizes, I have a hard time believing them.

The other thing I realized was that when Matty gets going with all his kidding around, most of the time he's really fun to be around. He's got a wicked sense on humor and most of the time we have a ball joking back and forth. Then sometimes I start loosing my patience with it and ask him to cut it out. I guess he thinks I'm just kidding and he keeps on with the joking while I'm getting more and more annoyed until I finally snap at him.

I know a lot of it has to do with his ADHD. Up to now I've been putting it all on him to control that. The medication he takes helps a lot, but sometimes he can get really, really hyper and I don't know what to do to make him chill. So, I snap at him. Guess what that does? It only makes it worse and I end up really pissed off at him and he ends up confused and pissed off because he thought he was just being funny.

Two really close friends of mine pointed out to me that this is something Matty was born with it and it's a part of him and if we're in this relationship "in sickness and in health," then I can't just put everything on him to "fix" or "control" his brain and how it works. They said I should have a serious talk with him about it and see if we can't figure out I can help him with it. For example, when I'm getting aggravated and annoyed and irritated, maybe we could work out a signal I could give Matty so he knows I'm not playing around anymore and for him to see if he could take a one minute chill.

So, two big lessons came out of all this for me:

One is to not take out my feelings about my dad on Matty. When Matty does something that makes me mad, like lash out at me when he's really mad with someone else, and then realizes what he did and apologize for it, I have to give him the chance to show he means the apology and not automatically assume he's like my dad and can't be trusted.

The second lesson is about the ADHD. I have to realize that since we're in this relationship together, I have a part to play in helping him understand how it affects me and we both have a part in finding some ways to deal with it when it becomes a problem. That's what being together "in sickness and in health" means to me. You can even change those words to mean, "during problems and good times." It's all the same to me.

So, yeah, like I said at the beginning, growing up is a lot harder and more complicated than I ever thought. I have to trust more (which can be scary because of all that stuff with my dad) and I have to see our relationship as a "partnership" where we work together when we're having problems.

Oh, and the other really, really big thing I learned has to do with how important it is to have true friends in your life. Friends who care about you and aren't afraid to tell you the truth and point out things you don't see. It might strain the friendship because they might be mad at you for being unfair to the person you love, but if friends can't be honest with each other when they care about you, then I guess they're not really friends at all. I'm glad I have some true friends in my life who care about me (and Matty) and help us while we're trying to grow up.

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Resolutions for the New Year

Since classes don't begin again until January 17, we've both had a lot of time on our hands (in addition to "things" "in" our hands...lol). Brad said he thought it might be fun to think about some new year's resolutions we might make.

So, I'm going first and this is what I've come up with so far. I tried to come up with things I wanted to stop doing and add what I want to replace it with. Okay.... {drum roll, please.........}

RESOLUTION Number One: Stop being hard on myself by always apologizing for being so wordy and accept that my brain is sometimes a "word-producing" machine on speed. (Did that sound like I was being hard on myself? That part about my brain being a machine on speed sounded critical, but I was just making a joke, but maybe I could have worded it better. -- See what I mean about being wordy? Damn. I did it again. Well, it just means the Resolution is a good one... one I need to work on.)

Here's why I want to work on this one: I got a lot of criticism growing up for being a pest. I know now that a lot of it had to do with my ADHD and being hyperactive but at the time all I knew was that people always seemed annoyed by me. I know I often tried the patience of people, even people who loved me like my family.

"Matty, I'm going to count to three and I want you to sit down." "Matty, what did I just tell you?" "Matty, you have one minute to finish your story." "Matthew!!"

Well, since being on my Little Attention Pills and getting some help learning how to slow myself down when I get revved up, I've made a lot of progress.

I like that I'm always curious about things. I think it's pretty cool when I'm writing, that my brain is behind the steering wheel and likes to take detours when it sees something interesting. I use to call this "rambling," but I think it's just my way of figuring out where I am and being curious at all the scenery I'm noticing.

The only thing I have to watch out for is when I'm writing a paper for school. I still have trouble staying within the maximum word requirements for assignments. If I have to write a 500 word essay, for example, I usually end up with double that. Maybe I should tell my profs that if the assignment is for 500 words, they should tell me to write 250 words. Then I'd probably have a better chance of hitting the mark!

For the blog, however, I'm just going to write the way I do and not (at least try not to) apologize for it. I figure people will either just settle in for a long car ride that's going to take detours, or people will just skim through it. It's just the way I write and I kinda like it. So there! lol.

Resolution Number Two: I'm going to stop whining about doing housework and somehow learn to "enjoy" it. I did not, repeat, did not, get enough "housekeeping" genes when they were handing those out at birth. I did, however, get an excess of the "outdoor" genes and it's torture to be inside running the vacuum cleaner, dusting and polishing the coffee table, end tables, lamps, bookshelves, doing laundry... you get the picture.

I still don't understand how to sort clothes for the laundry but I'm told (at least I think this is what Brad said) you don't put my favorite red pullover shirt in a hot water wash with my white underwear. I think the underwear either makes the shirt turn white or maybe it's the other way around.

So far, Brad and I have had a good system going. He got plenty of the housekeeping genes and actually enjoys doing all this stuff! Since I got plenty of the outdoor genes, I really enjoy yard work... raking leaves, cutting the grass, trimming the hedges, building our outdoor deck, cleaning the gutters... you get the picture. We haven't had any snow blizzards yet (except for a one-day, brief, 5 inch "dump" in October), so there's no snow to shovel, which I really enjoy doing.

Now that our time is going to be more limited since we're both going to be full-time students, I'm going to have to help out more indoors. Also since it's winter and there are few leaves to rake and the grass is dormant and the hedges are not sprouting new twigs to clip, I have more time to do indoor work. I told Brad we need to have some way to motivate me, like maybe having certain types of sex if I vacuum or polish furniture, etc. I think it's a win-win situation, and he's thinking about it! (YAY!)

Resolution Number Three: Stop wasting time staring at my pleasure-reading TBR list and come up with a system to read more this year. I haven't figured this one out yet, but my resolution is to have something in place by the end of January.

Right now I have so many books on my TBR list that I have a hard time deciding what to read next. Any why do all these authors keep writing new books that sound really interesting? Well, I'm not actually complaining about that, but, well, it makes me keep adding more and more books to that list to read and then I get more overwhelmed!

I've even tried reading 3 or 4 different books at the same time, but I can't figure out how Marcus is now dating Evan when I thought Marcus was happily married to the love of his life, Patrick. And how did Patrick, who won the lottery, end up going on a month-long vacation to the Caribbean when he's still out on the streets hustling to make extra money to pay his rent? Geez.

Well, there you have it. When I was writing this post, I actually came up with 25 resolutions. I think I did a good job getting it down to just three. That's progress right there! I figure when I accomplish these three, I can just move another one in it's place and maybe by the end of the year, I'll have all 25 done.

But three's a good start. My high school counselor, Mr. Griffin, had this saying I still remember and I'm trying to apply it here. He use to tell me that I could get a lot more done, and a lot quicker, if I slowed down. He said when I tried to speed things up, I ended up slowing things down. He called it a paradox, which I think is a pretty cool word. And see, I do pay attention when I feel like the other person cares and is truly trying to help.

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Matty in the Morning

I hope it's okay to do this, but there's a radio station here in Boston I listen to most mornings while I'm on my way to classes. The host is this guy named Matt and he goes by Matty, so what's not to like about him, right? The name of the program is "Matty in the Morning." I'm posting the show logo, and if I'm not suppose to do this, then I'll gladly take it down.

It got me and Brad to talking about what this Matty is like in the morning! Probably most everybody reading this (except maybe for some new readers) knows I have ADHD, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I've never wanted to dwell on this topic but I've always hoped if anybody reading our blog has ADHD and hears me talking about it openly, then maybe they won't feel bad about themselves. From my own personal experience, I got all kinds of negative reactions from teachers and other kids when I was little. It's true that I had a hard time sitting still and concentrating so teachers were always frustrated with me and other kids would sometimes avoid me and call me names. I mean, who wants to play with a kid who's always running his mouth and is annoying to be around? My parents got me evaluated fairly early and I've been on some meds that really helped me in school, and I still take them now, but at a lower dose.

Anyway. Back to this Matty in the morning. When I first wake up in the morning, my brain is all over the place. I mean, it's misfiring and I'm a little disoriented and have a really, really hard time getting myself organized and staying on track. Like, when I finally drop my legs out of bed, I know I have to head to the bathroom to pee. But, after that's done, then I'm looking around trying to figure out what to do next.

Okay, I need to put on my boxers, right? Then a t-shirt, right? Then, let's see, oh yeah, I need to head to the kitchen to grab a bit to eat. But, wait, what's going on outside the window? Are those some kids yelling at each other? Hmmmm. Gotta check that out. See what's happening. Okay, just some mom trying to get her kids into the van so they can go to school, but those kids are arguing about something. Hmmmm. Wonder what that's about? Oh wait, who cares?

Now what was I about to do? Oh yeah, head to the kitchen. On my way, I see some socks on the floor and think, "Man, I need to pick up those socks I threw down on the floor." Brad and I are trying to stay on top of keeping the place at least somewhat neat. I pick up the socks and head to the hamper. On the way I see my Kindle and wonder if I ever ordered that book that has the cover of those two hot, hunky, ripped studs. I pick up the Kindle with socks in hand, open the Kindle to my titles page, then realize I was on my way to the hamper. Put the Kindle down. Head to the hamper. On the way back, I don't notice the Kindle so it stays where I left it.

Okay, socks picked up. Now where was I? Ummmmmm. Let's see, what time's my first class? Uhhhhh. What day of the week is this? Is this Wednesday or Thursday? Where's my cell phone so I can see the date? Oh yeah, I remember. Yesterday was English and History, so today's Thursday. First class is at 10:00. Where's my backpack? "BRAD, you know where I put my backpack?"

So now I make sure my books and stuff are in the backpack. Check. Then I head to the front door so I can put it on the floor blocking the door so I won't forget it when I leave. On the way, what's that on the dining table? Is that some mail I forgot to read yesterday? Yeah. Gotta check and see if there's something I didn't open yesterday. I sit down and start going through the mail.

"Okay, Brad! I'm coming!" He's calling me from the kitchen. I'm heading now to the kitchen and find Brad has coffee made and, what's this? He's made blueberry pancakes! Oh man! My favorite. He's already got the table set and he remembers I love a glass of orange juice with pancakes! Mmmmmm. I kiss him and compliment him on the pancakes. He sits down and we eat together. He doesn't say anything, but there's my prescription bottle sitting between the coffee cup and the OJ. Ahhh, yes. My "LAP," my Little Attention Pills. I pop one in and swallow it down.

We talk some about how much fun last night was! THAT kind of thing NEVER escapes my memory! Our little time in bed together. Man, that could have lasted all night, and sometimes it feels like it does! Cuddling, kissing, finding places on our bodies we never knew reacted like they do when touched or played with a certain way! Oh man, yeah!

Brad subtly asks about my schedule today. What classes I have, study groups I have to go to, things I need to do in the library, etc. It really helps to go over that stuff so I can get oriented to my day. Shortly, my LAP starts kicking in, and my mind slows down. I get a piece of paper and jot down what I need to remember for the day.

Okay, now I'm starting to think clearer. Every thing's falling into place. Everything is cool. After a few more minutes, hey, every thing's all in order. Piece of cake. Just another day, right?

After about 30 minutes, my brain is not revving. I'm completely oriented. I'm talking at a normal pace. I've finished breakfast. I head to the shower and Brad sometimes joins me, which slows everything down! Go get dressed. Check my hair. Another pee before I leave. I'm headed for the door to get my backpack (hey, how'd that get there???), kiss Brad goodbye. Oh, God. Kiss Brad goodbye! Mmmmmmmm. Kiss Brad some more!!! Mmmmmmmm. Damn he's a good kisser. Kiss him some more!

Okay, my mind is totally clear at this precise moment. I'm completely oriented to where I am, and know I'm standing in our living room, kissing. And kissing. And kissing. Then I forget about school and my schedule and my whole day. All that matters is that I'm kissing Brad. And getting hard. Again. I'm getting a little disoriented also. And a little disorganized. And a little forgetful. But this, my dear reader, has nothing to do with ADHD. This is all about what it's like to be in love with this beautiful man and not wanting to leave the house! Some days if we have a few extra minutes, I get treated to a morning blow-job. That combined with my LAP, releases my tension and I'm back to normal!

Brad very gently disentangles us. Says I'm gonna be late. Leads me to the door. We kiss one last time, and I'm out the door. Headed to school and my day ahead. Yeah. Matty in the morning, indeed!

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A Little Lube in Every Room

I guess it's a pretty obvious understatement to say that having your own place is drastically different from living at home with parents and sibs running all over the place!

Since Brad and I moved in together about 2 weeks ago, it's been like living in Paradise, or what I think Paradise might be like. I'm still trying to get use to knowing there's no lock on our bedroom door. Why would there be? Duh!

We're just about getting use to running around nekkid. I know it may sound weird, but it's still is wonderfully amazing we can do this! Oh, and being in an ADHD state of mind, I've been doing all kinds of research on the difference between "naked"  and "nekkid." This is what the Urban Dictionary says about the difference between the two words: "Naked is natural; Nekkid is naughty." And we've been doing all kinds of "naughty." Naughty while nekkid. Well, you get the picture!

When I lived at home with my family, I had a night table next to my bed. It's something I actually built myself and I'm pretty proud of it. Well, it has a top drawer with a lock where I would keep a few things I wanted to keep out of the reach of a certain nosey little brother. He and I are really close but sometimes I would order him out of my room if he was starting to get on my nerves, ya know? When he and I would be talking in my bedroom, he had this really annoying habit of picking up things on my desk or opening and closing the drawers. Whenever he talks he likes to use his hands a lot, and I had to keep a careful watch on where those hands went.

Well, one night Brad had spent the night and I completely forgot to put the bottle of lube back in that top locked drawer. So there it was sitting on top of the night table in total public view. My brother was walking down the hall headed downstairs to the kitchen and stopped by my room. Well, you know where this is going, right?

He looked in my room and, being his usual nosey self, pointed at the bottle and said, "What's that?" I glanced to where his finger was pointed, turned all kinds of red, and ordered him the hell out! And does my little brother ever mind me? Not when he thinks he has something over on me! He, of course, saw I had this look on my face like I'd been caught or something. So, that made him all determined to see how far he could push things! Instead of leaving like I'd asked (or ordered) him to do, he started walking in my room and was headed for that bottle.

Before I could block his path or tackle him, he had the bottle in his hand but I'm pretty quick on my feet, even first thing in the morning. Before he could read what was on the label, I grabbed it out his hands and shoved him out the door. But does nosey little brother mind his own business and head downstairs for breakfast? Not on your life. He said again, "Tell me what that bottle is and I'll leave!"

Before I could think of what to say, what comes out of my mouth? This is something I always have to be careful of first thing in the morning, especially before I take my LAP ("Little Attention Pill").

I was putting the bottle back in my drawer, and he asked once again, "Tell me what that bottle is and I'll leave." Do little brothers take some kind of class where they learn how to be really, really obnoxious and annoying?

I was locking the bottle in the drawer and just said, "It's after-shave lotion. Now get out! NOW!" He just said, "Yeah, right." But he left.

When I got downstairs to have a bowl of cereal, he continued being his usual annoying self. Little brothers also learn somewhere not to give up. He leaned in to my face and started sniffing! Can you believe this kid! I mean, that can be a dangerous thing to do to me first thing in the morning! He just smiled and said, "Hmmmmm. Not using any after-shave this morning, Matt?" Mom was in the kitchen and she knows when me and my brother are about to start a war. She stepped in and defused the situation and war was averted!

Well, now that Brad and I have our own place, we don't have to worry about some nosey little brother roaming around trying to make trouble. We can leave our "after-shave lotion" out in full view if we want to. No need for it to be under lock-and-key!

As a matter of fact, since we're being nekkid a lot (remember, nekkid is "naughty"), we've spent our hard-earned money on enough lube to keep every room well-stocked. No need to stop any "naughty play" to head for one central location for the bottle. I mean, who wants to stop when things are hot and heavy and go trotting off down the hall for supplies?? As a matter of fact, we actually have several bottles in strategic locations in the living room and the kitchen. Again, who wants to stop and go trotting across the room?

Anyway, Paradise is all the more enjoyable when it's well-stocked!

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The Blog, Matty's Request and the Big Move

Hi everybody.

Just wanted to give an update on a couple of things.

1. The Blog. As you know, Matty and I are moving in together October 1st. This means we have a lot to do between now and then. So, we're probably going to be posting a little less frequently for a while, at least until we get a little more settled. But, we'll see. We might be putting up something 2 or 3 times a week instead how much we're doing now.

2. Matty's Request. Matty wanted me to share something. He was talking to me about some of the things he's working on with this school counselor he's been seeing. They have this resource center for students who have different kinds of learning disabilities and attention deficit issues. They also help students who want to learn better study skills, etc. So, he's got some good "general" suggestions about how to manage things from there and asked me if I would be willing to help him come up with some "specific" ideas we could look at. Of course I'd do anything to help, so we're going to be sitting down after I look at all those "general" ideas and help him see how to apply them to his own situation. It makes me feel good that he asked for my help. I'd do anything for him, like I know he'd do anything for me.

3. The Big Move. Just an update on "The Big Move." We finally decided to buy a King size bed! You guys were right, those monsters are expensive. But, we've been saving  money for quite a while now and last weekend went out to "test drive" a few models! That was so much fun. We went to this really cool furniture "paradise" that's popular here in this area and the sales people were so much fun. We told our saleswoman what we were looking for but just wanted to start with the bedroom. She was so cool and so much fun. She listened to our pros and cons of Queen vs King and then said she had a recommendation if we wanted to hear it. 

She said since it's our first home and we were so cute together (!!!), she would highly recommend the King size bed. "You'll have so much more room to sleep. If you want to cuddle, you can do that. If you want to spread out, you can do that. And, you won't be falling off the mattress when you're having your fun time together." Can you believe this woman? And her sense of humor and comfort level with us? She was so excited for us!

She got us to get on some of the mattresses to see what kind of "firmness" we wanted. We just looked at her and burst out laughing. Then she got the joke about "firmness on the mattress," and nearly died laughing with us. We were all laughing so hard, some other customers came over to see what was so funny. We told her we wanted her to help us furnish the rest of the house when we got ready.

We're still voting on what to call our bedroom. Right now it's a tie: "Master Bedroom" has one vote (Brad), and "Sex Chamber" has one vote (guess who?). ..... In spite of all the stress, this really is a lot of fun! It's also fun to have all of you share our excitement. But no sharing our bed in the "Master Bedroom/Sex Chamber." There's always the guest bedroom you guys can use!

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When Will I Ever Learn?

Okay, just so you know, this is Matt. I know the plan was for Brad to take over the blog and other things for a while. At least until I got settled in school. Well, guess what? The way I'm feeling right now, I don't think I'll ever get settled. Anywhere. School. Life. You name it.

Sometimes I think I kid myself into thinking I've got my shit together. Sometimes I think I live in a dream world of some kind where I think I actually might make something out of myself. That's how I'm feeling right now and I HATE IT.

Guess I should explain what happened. It's not the first time something like this has happened and I seriously doubt it will be the last. I almost decided not to write about this because you're probably going to see a different side of me. It's a side of me I HATE.

But, anyway, I'm sitting here at home right now beating myself up and maybe this will calm me down. It doubt it will, but I can't stand just sitting here by myself with nobody to talk to. That's right, poor little Matt feeling all sorry for himself. Poor, pitiful thing. When will he ever learn that he's a total fuck-up? Awww, what a shame, what a shame. Thinks he's all grown up but he's really just a little boy pretending to be grown-up.

So I finally started college yesterday. How the hell did I ever get in anyway? They don't admit little kids but, once again, they must have felt sorry for me and decided to take a risk. Boy were they ever wrong.

So I get to campus yesterday and there's tons and tons of people running all over the place. People who look like they all belong and know what they're doing. Nobody looks freaked out or nervous. People walking calmly across campus. Some in groups. Lots of laughter from some. Everybody looks like it's just another normal day. Something they've been doing their whole life.

The only one who sticks out is me. I swear I'm the only person there who is freaking inside. "Holy shit. What the fuck am I doing here?" I don't know a single person and I'm totally convinced everybody can see all the sweat pouring off my body. People are probably seeing me and thinking, "Look at that weirdo. Doesn't he know the high school is down the street?"

So, I start to panic and actually almost turn around to head back to my car to leave the campus and go back home. Then I heard this voice in my head that was something my high school counselor told me once. "When you feel like you're freaking out, Matt, it's probably just some anxiety. You're not going to die from it. You just need to slow down and go to that place you have when you meditate. You're going to be all right."

So, I'm hearing that in my head and thinking it's all bullshit. But then, maybe it's not bullshit. I was really nervous about the first day so I luckily got to campus early and had some spare time. I looked around and saw a clump of these really huge oak trees away from the main action and my feet started taking me there. It had been raining and there was still a slight drizzle, but it was pretty dry under the trees, but I sat on my backpack to keep my butt dry. Nobody was close around so I felt like I could just become invisible. I sat down, faced away from all the action, closed my eyes, starting doing my deep breathing that always helps and then sorta put myself in a trance. I have this meditation thing I do where I imagine going to a really nice, peaceful, quite and safe place. It was hard to go there because I didn't want to be late for my class. But it worked. Maybe there is a God. After about 20 minutes I felt like I had just had a nap.

So to make a long story short, I got through the day. All those freaky feelings I was having didn't go away completely, but I did manage to get where I was suppose to be and actually absorbed about 50% of what happened in my classes.

So, YAY. A success, right? Mission accomplished. No gran problema. Yeah, I guess so. I got through the day. When everything was done and I left campus for the day, my head was spinning, but I actually felt kinda proud of myself. Damn, I made it through the first day. Maybe I can do this. Couldn't wait to tell Brad all about it. I knew he would understand and say all the right things. And, God, all I wanted was for him to hold me and be there for me.

When he came over, he had the sweetest smile on his face and wrapped his arms around me. For a minute I felt like I was going back in that trance where everything was peaceful. Then my eyes couldn't hold it back anymore and I broke down crying like a baby. Blubbering is more like it. He just held me tight and rubbed my back and did this thing where he rubs my scalp and I get all sleepy. He didn't say a word for a while. I think he knew what had happened when I freaked on campus. I had been telling him how anxious I was for the past week. Then I told him the whole story.

He stayed over for a while, but he and his family already had plans to go to the hospital to visit Brad's godmother who was diagnosed with this serious blood cancer. She means the world to Brad and their family and I wanted him to be there with her. I was actually feeling back to my normal self and just wanted to relax and unwind, talk to my family some, eat some mac and cheese, take a warm shower, get in my pj's, listen to some calming music and then head to bed at a decent hour.

So all that happened and I was starting to feel sleepy. Brad called later to check on me and say good night. Then I get in bed and start re-living everything that happened during the day. I also have this thing I do when that happens where I tell myself, "STOP! You can think about all this in the morning. Just stop thinking!" Well, it worked and I went into a deep sleep. I don't remember waking up even once.

So, here's the thing. I slept so deep I didn't hear my alarm this morning. My mom and dad had gone to work. My little brother had already left for school and here I was with my mind in a total fog trying to figure out where the hell I was. I had already missed my first class for today. So, that's right, in spite of the hell I went through on day one, in the end I made it through with some level of success.

Now it's day two and I've totally fucked up. The first class meeting for this course in American History, and I'm still asleep in my bed dreaming about God knows what. Totally missed it. Then I start going all through the same panic I had yesterday. What a fuck-up I am. What am I suppose to do now? Do I call the instructor and leave a message? Do I send her an email explaining, "Uh, I'm sorry I missed the first class. You can kick me out if you want to. I'll fully understand."

So, I got my balance back a little while ago and shot her an email explaining that I had overslept and apologized and offered to do whatever she wanted me to do to make it up. I'm still waiting to hear back from her.

I've got another class in a few hours and that's it for the day. Ain't no way I'm missing that.

Part of the problem is I should have taken that medication I take for my ADHD yesterday. I'm down to a small dose and it really does help slow my mind down and help me focus and concentrate. I totally know that. I still have this shame thing going on about having to take medication to make my brain work right. I know, I know. I should be over that by now, but I'm not. It's not something I dwell on much any more, so that's good. But I thought I could make it yesterday without it. Big lesson learned. Too much is at stake. I'm back on it today.

Sorry this is so long and I promise not to write so much in the future. I apologize for dumping all this on everybody, but, maybe you should know this about me because it might explain other fuck-ups in the future. I'm learning there are just some things I have to accept about myself. Like I get these "high alert" anxiety attacks when I'm out of my normal routine and start moving into new, bigger and unfamiliar routines. And I have to take my medication. I've found in the past that once I'm settled into new routines, I can cut back or even stop the meds. My doctor said that was okay, so I'm not trying to play my own doctor.

And, I have to take Brad at his word when he tells me he's cool with helping me organize myself until I get my feet firmly on the ground. So, "Boss Bradley," I'm glad you're patient with me. And still love me. I'm sorry I'm such a pain and handful sometimes.

Okay, I've gotta go now. Need to jump in the shower, eat some lunch and head back to school. Oh, and take my meds.

My class this afternoon is one I think I'm gonna like. It's a literature class and the description is, get this, "...proceeds with the study of literature and art from ancient Greece through the nineteenth century." Holy shit! That's a lot of ground to cover and master. Okay, breathe. They're not going to cover all those centuries in a semester. It's probably more of a summary study. I'm going to make it. Don't panic. I can do this. And take my meds!

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Horny & Hyper on the Loose

I was bored a couple of weeks ago and looking for a good read that would help me get focused. I mentioned elsewhere in the blog that I was diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) when I was a little kid. I won't go into all the details again, but it's always been hell for me when I'm bored. My brain is always looking for something to lock in on and I have to be aware that I can be somewhat annoying to others when I'm bored.

So, when I'm by myself and bored, I sometimes head on over to Google and start typing away. I'm like a heat-seeking missile (oh wait, that's what Brad sometimes calls my dick ... see how easily distracted I can get!!) trying to zero in on something interesting.

So, just out of wild and idle curiosity I headed over to a publisher where I've bought some books before. I landed on the website of Loose-id Publishers and on a wild hunch, I typed in "ADHD" in their search engine. I wasn't seriously expecting anything, but what do you know, this book popped up! I couldn't believe it! Here's what the brief blurb said before I sent the site my money:

         Max has always been edgy and moody, the poster boy for ADHD. The two constants in his life  were his big brother and his crush, his brother’s best friend. With his brother gone, Max wants to come out to Daniel...if only Daniel will cooperate.

Whoa! "...edgy and moody..." I've been called that when the Hyper Demon is in charge!

"...the poster boy for ADHD..." Well, put my mug shot there!

So, I was a little excited on the one hand but also a little apprehensive on the other. I mean, excited because I'd never imagined a M/M romance story where the leading character had ADHD. A little apprehensive because I wondered if the story was going to highlight his ADHD and make fun of him.

So I looked up the author's bio and read that she "...spends her time writing, editing, raising adolescents, taking care of an elderly mother, and dealing with a hyperactive husband (he says he's just very energetic)."

Okay, so maybe this is going to be cool. The author apparently has (at least that's how I read it) a husband with some type of attention disorder. So, maybe she'll treat the kid (he just started college) with some sympathy or compassion.

Well, I think she succeeded. She doesn't over-emphasize his hyperactivity and the character (named "Max," what else?) really grabs your heart.

So, image that! Being bored this time really payed off. My heat-seeking missile hit it's target. This is a relatively short story (only about 70 pages) and I ended up falling for Max. Here's the rest of the blurb:

Max knows his family and friends aren’t sure what to make of his moods and impulses. But he’s in college now and ready to show them he’s grown up and ready to make mature choices. At least he’s ready for a serious relationship and almost ready to tell his family he’s gay. He could use a little help, though.

With his loving big brother gone forever, who is left to ask for help? Daniel Rocco, his brother’s best friend and his longtime crush, of course. Daniel is solid and reliable--the opposite of Max. But for some reason, Daniel seems terrified of what Max might do next.

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An Open Letter to Brad

Dear Brad,

Thank you for your trust in agreeing to let me send you this "open" letter on our blog without you reading if first. 

I want you to know I understand how hard it was for you to write about that first "crisis" we went through after only a month into our relationship. We talked about the pros and cons of being so public about your fears of confronting me with your feelings and also about how I felt about everyone knowing about my ADHD.

I loved seeing how you went about making the decision to put yourself out there in such a public setting and be totally honest and vulnerable about how you felt. And also about how you were so sensitive to how I felt about something that is still very personal (and basically private) to me.

Reading what you wrote meant a lot to me and I want you to know how much I respect and admire your courage. I know it was a hard thing to confront me so many months ago and then to find the words to share it with others here. I'm hopeful that others will benefit from seeing how you figured out how to bring all this up to me. It's never easy to tell someone you care about that you're feeling scared or confused or even angry.

I also want to thank you for the progress I'm making in not feeling so ashamed or embarassed about the ADHD. This is directly connected to our talks about it and what you wrote here the past two days. I know I'm not suppose to blame myself because it's something I didn't cause, but I guess with all the negative experiences I had growing up connected to it, it's always had this "stigma" thing attached to it.

I don't want to make this a "sappy" letter because that's not how I'm feeling. We've always agreed to be truthful with each other, and I can say without any hesitation that I love you beyond words. I never thought I would ever deserve to have someone like you in my life. And I can't imagine what my life would be like without you in it.

Love (pure and simple),

Matt

P.S. - Wanna go out tonight for dinner at our favorite restaurant and then back to my place for "sleep-over dessert"? No limit on servings, of course!
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