I've been talking to Matty about this a lot and he's been incredibly helpful (and I think it's been kinda turning him on, too, which is an added bonus for both of us!).
Since Matty and I moved in together, we've, well, been having lots of sex. I mean, lots. Lots! Lots more than when we were both living separately at home with our parents and sibs. I started having this worry that I'd loose all interest in books or at least not have any time to read anymore. You know, the real thing is always better than reading about other people having sex!
A while back I joined a group over at Goodreads called Kindle Smut. This is the first group I've joined that is not devoted exclusively to gay or MM interests. There's all kinds of books being discussed from MF to MMF to MFM to MMMMF to MMMMMMFFF -- well, you get the idea! and I like the fact that they also have discussions on MM and gay books, too. And the discussions over there are a lot of fun to read and and participate in and the people are incredibly friendly.
When I introduced myself, I said I was gay and have a boyfriend, etc. I'm always open about my sexual orientation because it's something I'm happy about and is an important part of who I am. I also wanted people in the group to know that from the beginning so they would understand where I was coming from when I talked about my tastes in books.
I got this really warm welcome and people were making all kinds of recommendations of books I might be interested in. I said I really liked to read about cowboys having sex and someone replied that she also liked reading about cowboys having sex, too, but liked there to be a girl involved, but she understood why I liked "...wanting the girl cooties out of the picture, lol."
I was a little bit surprised at myself when I replied, "...well, I'm slowly getting curious about those 'girl cooties.' Just haven't had the chance to read anything yet with girls in it to see if I might like it. But (for me) there absolutely has to have a guy or guys involved." Then they started making all these recommendations of books that were about MMF, in addition to some that were MM.
Like I said, I was surprised I made the reply that I was curious about books that involved sex with girls. It was one of those things that just popped in my brain and my fingers started typing it!! I mean, it's not like I've ever seriously thought about this. I think it was just their openness about sexual situations that were way different from what I'm use to thinking about.
So I started thinking about it some more and then I looked and noticed my Kindle started downloading some MMF books! How'd that happen? LOL. Well, since they were just sitting there on my Kindle, I thought maybe I'd just take a quick peek and do some research on what other people in the group were reading. I mean, I wanted to be a good member and have a good understanding of where other people were coming from, right?
Well. The book I took a peek at was these two bi guys who are married to each other. The sex they are having is incredibly hot and steamy and I liked reading about their lives together. It was not "all-sex all the time." I like reading books where there's a storyline that's interesting and has some depth to it. The careers of these two guys was interesting to read about and you could tell there was a lot of substance and love in their lives together.
Well, I won't give away the whole storyline, except to say they both fall in love with this woman who works for both of them. The woman is in an abusive and violent relationship with a man, and these two guys rescue her from that and invite her to live with them. They are so loving and caring with her and give her months and months to recover from the abuse that's been part of her life.
Even though they fell in love with her before she moved in with them, they never, ever take advantage of how vulnerable she is. They comfort her and help her regain her self-esteem. They convince her to go get medical care after all the physical abuse she's been through.
The woman is finally getting her feet back on the ground and realizes that she's falling in love with both of these men. She had always made the assumption they were gay and is convinced the closest she will ever get to anything sexual with them is when she sometimes listens to them having sex in their bedroom. It's not until almost halfway into the book that one thing leads to another and the guys tell her they are bi. Well, they all three eventually confess their love for each other and we come to the first sexual scene.
Oh. My. God. The sex is about the hottest I've read about in a while. There is so much love, compassion, tenderness and regard for each other that my "horny meter" went to maximum capacity. And I have to say that I got about as horny as you can get not only from reading about the actual sex between these three, but also from imagining I was there as the fourth partner!
And that's the freaky part I was referring to in the first sentence of this post. And not freaky in a bad way. Not at all. Just freaky in the sense that I never in my wildest dreams or fantasies imagined I would be turned on -- I mean really turned on -- imagining myself being right in the middle of this kind of scene! There's also some mild "dom/sub" going on, too, and yes, I was turned on by that also. Imagine!
So, am I really all gay, like I thought? Am in bi? Am I gay/bi, or bi/gay? It's a lot to think about. And fun to think about. And the answer to the question about whether I'm "really gay" is "YES." I have no doubt about that. Nothing about that has changed and I haven't had any sudden "awakening" that I'm really bi. And no, I have no intention of wanting to change anything about my relationship with Matty. None of this is any threat to what we have. Absolutely no threat at all. I'm just having a blast stretching my sexual fantasies.
Kinda freaky. Kinda fun. And when "freaky" and "fun" are combined, well, my "horny meter" goes wild! Which means Matty and I are having even more sex than usual. And it's more wild. And more hot. And more..... well, you get the picture.
Oh, in case you're interested, the book is:
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