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Hymns and Penises

I dreamt I had a penis, it grew out of my clit when I got horny, and whenever I was turned on, it would come out and I could wank.  I could suck it too, and was giving myself a bj, experimenting with what felt good, so I knew how to give a good bj! I remember in the dream looking at it and thinking "Wow, this is pretty cool, I don't know another woman that has one of these!" (Um, I do actually, I know several pre-op TS women who have them). 
Amazing dream, it was very vivid, and I felt everything, I can remember what it feels like to get a blowjob.  Wow, now I know what having a dick actually feels like. Very strange.. Yes, I have penis envy, I'd be the first to admit it!! I want one!  I would play with it all day, it felt pretty darn good to me.. lol   

This morning I had to take the bus to work, which I don't typically do unless I have to, and there was a guy on the back seat, who started singing a hymn about salvation, it sounded like Morning Has Broken, but I can't find the word "salvation" in the traditional lyrics to that on line anywhere. I didn't hear the words that clearly as he sung them, only the tune, and the word "salvation". Right as we were driving past Ex's office.

On a side note, I used to love singing hymns when I was a kid, I was a very devotional Christian, until I was at least 15 or so, then my teens happened, and my first Guru happened when I was 20. But there is still a part of me that gets all emotional when I hear a good hymn sung well.  It's the devotion, doesn't matter to which Master, they're all representative of God, to me. That's something in my life I do miss, having one firm anchor for that devotional energy, and the space to really express it.
When I was about 6, I stole a hymn book from school, so I could sing hymns on my own at home. That thought, of who I was back then, has kept me going through some dark times when I've felt like God deserted me. I was that 6 year old, the one that loved God enough, to want to sing hymns in private, alone, just me and God, so how could God possibly have abandoned that small child that I still sometimes feel I am inside? 
I have had serious doubts about my sanity lately, I was so glad to read that article about Magical Thinking, about seeing all these little 'signs' as a means to have some kind of hope still about life, after big losses. Whether or not there's anything to that, makes no real difference in some ways, it just helps to feel that there's some Synchronicity occurring, so I don't feel utterly abandoned by God, I guess.  It all helps.  Silly as that sounds. That's just it, a million little things which I could easily write off as nothing in themselves, but add them all up, and they make a Something. What that Something is, I don't quite have figured out yet, but I don't think that matters, really.
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