After Brad and I had been dating for maybe 3 or 4 months, I began thinking about whether we could consider ourselves a "couple." I know that may sound strange because we had never actually said we didn't want to see other people. There was just this unspoken understanding that we were boyfriends and it seemed obvious that neither of us wanted to date anybody else. And even though we had never said the word "love" to each other, it was pretty clear to both of us that we were beginning to fall in love, or had fallen in love.
At some point in the following weeks and months, we began having these serious talks about where we wanted our relationship to go. Looking back on it now it's kinda funny to see how we were avoiding using the "love" word. Even though I had never been in love with anyone before, I felt certain I was in love with Brad. I guess saying that word out loud meant we were making everything official and it also felt like we were moving into some kind of unknown territory. It felt so right and at the same time felt scary.
Well, we eventually said "I love you" to each other and for me there was this almost overwhelming feeling of joy and hope and excitement. There was also this overwhelming sense of seriousness mixed in with everything else. I felt like this little kid and also felt like a mature adult. It was exciting and fun but also pretty daunting.
Like we've written before, we started having these really serious talks about sex. We both were pretty aware of all the information out there about HIV and other infections you could get under certain circumstances when you were sexually active. So, this led to the whole talk we had about whether we were going to use condoms when we decided to have full-on sex.
We also had this talk with each other about whether we had slept with anybody before and what kinds of things we had each done sexually with anybody else. I'm not going into all that again here since we just recently wrote about that. The bottom line was that neither of us had ever had anal sex with anybody. This is what I meant in the last paragraph about "full-on sex." Both of us had given each other blow jobs, but that's as close to "full-on sex" as we had come (no pun intended!). We weren't even totally naked when those blow jobs happened.
Well, we had never really talked about planning a time to have anal sex. I know I had been thinking about how it might happen. If you know anything about how my brain works, you already know I was planning something that involved dressing up and going out to dinner at a really classy restaurant and then going to a fancy hotel. There would be candles (even though hotels have those sprinkler systems and we would probably have an indoor shower that would mess everything up and end up getting arrested for having "fire" in the room!), really romantic music, imported chocolate, whipped cream, a hot tub or jacuzzi in the bathroom and all sorts of similar things.
I think, however, we just knew it would happen whenever it did and regardless of all the trappings, it would somehow be the way it should.
In the meantime we were just going to continue spending time with each other and let things unfold naturally.
Anyway, one of the things I knew about Brad was that he really loved jazz music. There was this jazz band in his high school and they use to have these concerts after school and that's how he developed his interest. He had already told me he had this dream about one day going to the Newport Jazz Festival in Newport, Rhode Island. The Festival has a reputation for having all the major jazz musicians and singers and if you are serious about jazz, then you've probably heard about the Newport Festival. Two of Brad's favorites (he calls them his "jazz gods"), John Coltrane and Miles Davis, had performed there, along with Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstrong and tons of other jazz legends. The Festival is always scheduled for some time in August each year, so the one for this year had already happened.
I began thinking about taking him to Newport on just a day trip one weekend. It's probably about an hour and a half, two hours at the most, from where we were to Newport. I thought it would be nice to show him Fort Adams (this Civil War fort) where the Festival was held and some other places I knew about in Newport. He had never been there before and I had been three or four times with my family. So, we planned a day trip one weekend.When we were driving over the Newport Bridge onto the island, Brad looked totally dazed at the spectacular view of the harbor. I was trying to point out some things to him but he was turned with his back to me just staring out the window. I decided to stop talking and just let him take in all the beauty.
We went to the Cliff Walk (that's a picture of it to the left and up a little), which is a pedestrian trail on some high cliffs overlooking the Atlantic Ocean.
Then we had lunch at this restaurant on Thames street in the historic district. It's called Salas' Restaurant and even though it's not a fancy place, it has the best seafood I've ever eaten (in addition to superb Italian food). There's one part of the restaurant that overlooks Newport Harbor and that's where I told our server we wanted to sit. Luckily they had a table open with a spectacular view of the water.
We then went to a lot of other really cool places, but toward the late afternoon, we got in the car and I took him along Ocean Drive. It's one of my favorite places in Newport. The Drive eventually curves around and goes along the opening of Narragansett Bay. I remember watching the sunsets there when our family visited. We got out of the car and were sitting together on the bank, with my arm around Brad. We were hardly talking since the beauty of the place was so spectacular. After a while, since it was getting a little late in the afternoon, I suggested we get ready to leave and head back to Boston. Brad didn't say anything but just snuggled up closer to me. He leaned in further and I had both my arms around him, just cuddling.
When I said, "Baby, it's beautiful here, but maybe we better start heading back," he didn't say anything but I could tell something was wrong. He put his hand on his face and it seemed like he wiping away some tears.
I turned him around to look at him and saw he had some tears coming down. "Brad, what's the matter? What's wrong?"
He just looked up at me and stared in my face for a second and said, "I love you so much. I don't want to leave here. I want to stay here with you."
I asked him if he wanted to stay a little later and have dinner and then leave after it was dark. He just looked back and said, "Yeah. I'd like to have dinner. But I want to spend the night with you here. Can we?"
We checked how much cash we had and figured we'd have to find a place just outside Newport since it's a big tourist spot and rooms would be extremely expensive. We found a really nice small motel in Middletown which is just over the Newport town limits.
After getting the room, Brad was being all shy and couldn't seem to keep from holding on to me the whole time. I asked him what he had in mind (I can be so clueless sometimes). He just said, "Do you want to drive down the street to that pharmacy we saw and get some things?" We hadn't brought anything like a toothbrush or toothpaste or other things, since we were just planning on this being a day trip. It was a good idea so off we went.
On the way to the pharmacy, he leaned over and asked if we could get some other things, too. I said, "Sure. Like what?" He said, "Well, maybe like some snacks, some soda, some lube, some shampoo. Whatever else we need when we get there."
The only word I heard was "lube." I swear this is the truth, but I almost ran off the road. He grabbed the steering wheel to keep us from having a wreck. Luckily the pharmacy was just another block away.
Before we got out of the car we just looked at each other. He said, "I know. I sorta slipped the lube in there. Guess you noticed?" I just said, "Yeah. I heard that." He waited and then said, "Well?" I said, "Yeah, let's get some lube. Some on."
Brad grabbed one of those plastic shopping things you put your stuff in and sent me to get the lube while he got some toothbrushes and all the other stuff.
I finally found the aisle where the "feminine products" (as they're called) and the condoms were. Next to the condoms were several different boxes containing tubes of "lubrication" (as they're called!). I grabbed a box and then thought maybe I should get two. I mean, who knows how this works? When I grabbed the second box, they both accidentally slipped out of my hand and went crashing to the floor. Tell me I wasn't nervous! Those things hit the floor in such a way that it sounded like a small gun had shot and, of course, people were turning to look and I was pretty sure a store manager was headed my way to check things out. I picked up both boxes and was walking away to find Brad but decided to turn around to get a third tube. Okay, stop laughing. I had never bought "lubrication" before so what did I know?
I found Brad waiting for me close to the checkout. He had found everything, including a bottle of this non-alcoholic wine. I put all three tubes of lube in the basket and his eyes zeroed in on those three boxes, then looked at me with this look that said, "Huh?" I just said, "I just want to make sure we have enough." He said, "Okay." He was still smiling and I said, "Well, if we don't need all this we can donate it to a food pantry or something." He said, "A food pantry?" I said, "Yeah. Or a homeless shelter or something." He almost started laughing and I just said, "Come on. Let's pay for this stuff and leave, okay? Please?"
I don't think either of us said a word on the way back to the room, other than, "Today was nice." "Yeah. I had a good time." "Me, too." "Yeah."
When we walked in, we both looked around like we had never seen this room before. It was a little disorienting. And awkward. And I knew my heart was beating faster than usual. My mouth was really dry. I tried to say something but wasn't really sure what to say.
I just looked at Brad and he was looking at me. I finally said, "Well. Why don't we close the door?" He smiled and said, "Oh. Yeah. Okay."
So the door was closed. We were alone together. Brad was still holding the bag from the pharmacy. I figured I needed to say something, but what came out next was totally unexpected. I'll pick up here tomorrow.
NOTICE: Just so everyone knows, tomorrow's post is going to include sexually explicit and graphic language. Just saying.
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