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Free Will

I am enjoying the freedom, at present, of not having the hots for anybody in particular. Just relaxing into that freedom of not (to use an icky New Age phrase), 'giving my power away' to somebody else.  It's true though, isn't it? When you're in that obsessive stage of a crush, they totally own your ass.  Nobody owns my ass at present, I am not madly crushing on anybody, wanting desperately to be noticed, etc. It's very freeing.  Oh, I still totally would fuck CEO into next week, don't get me wrong! But that 'crush' energy has definitely subsided.

And not just that, but there is an open sky full of other possibilities ahead. Endless hot guys out there.. I have been enjoying window shopping lately, looking at much younger, fitter men.   
I love the way the English are presently saying somebody is 'fit' if they're hot.

Why do we ever let ourselves get like that? Why the fuck should it matter so damn much? But somehow it always does, doesn't it. 

It's a fucking relief to let my crush on CEO go, and no doubt my blogging might improve too. I lost a few 'followers' lately. Not in the least surprised, I wouldn't read this shit either.

Right, where were we?  Feet planted on the ground again..  Enjoying the run-up to my birthday later this week. Another year further into my 40's.   I actually quite like being in my 40's, I have realized what doors that opens up for me, I think.  I am really starting to not give a shit about a lot more things I really should never have given a shit about in the first place. 

So.. Magick. The thing is, I realized it was my choice to let go of my crush. Free Will and all that.  I made a conscious decision to stop feeling all the crazy obsessiveness.  No small achievement.  Let's see if that act of Will has any direct impact on anything.  It seems to be.  There's a more noticeable response from guys at the moment. Either that, or I never normally notice, and it's my noticing that's changed? 
Venus in Aquarius, too perhaps, in my own sign. 

And I am thinking about my next tattoo.  A Phoenix. A little cheesy? It will have to be exactly the right one.
Thing is, it's the end result of the work of Alchemy.  I have a tattoo on the other shoulder that is the starting point of the process of Alchemy, and I didn't even really think about that! It wasn't deliberate.  One of those subconscious things, I guess, and I only consciously realized that the other day.   It makes sense to complete the picture, and have a Phoenix on my other shoulder, and be Alchemically complete. 

I have been looking on line, there aren't any particularly inspiring phoenixes, they're all either tribal which I don't want, cartoonish, or way too large and intricate. I want a simple logo-like design.  Luckily, I know some very good tattooists.

Ha, the irony. Ok, so it does not escape me that CEO just called (wow, he ALWAYS calls when I write a post here!), and now I am a little bit knickers-in-a-twist.. Just a little.   He was a little bit more flirty/teasy than normal, too, and got his revenge for me not recognising him the other week when he called. :)    He asked me to put him through to somebody he knows damn well has a cell and works in one of our other offices, he probably calls it all the time, too. I think he wanted to talk to me, he had NO reason to call me for that. He's called a bunch today.  There's an irony to that, too, of which he is unaware, obviously.

I like that I'm not so bothered about it any more, and just enjoy the hormonal high when he's here.

So tonight, E and I are going to one of my favourite local museums, we are both nerds. He's spoiling me rotten this week.  

I watched For Colored Girls last night, amazing movie, for all women, actually. Loved it. I don't normally go for chick flicks at all, I'm usually all sci-fi. But I am reminded of Loretta Divine's character Juanita, and how she is so totally messed around and hurt by the man in her life, and she gives him so much power over herself. It's a very powerful movie, I think everybody should watch that, see the world from a very honest female perspective, all the ways in which women can fuck up, and be fucked up. That sounds so negative, it's not, it's a beautiful movie.  

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