horney paper storms: depression

Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts

Going Under...

I discovered Evanescence in 2005 and fell in love with the tortured lyrics and melodic cries for help.

It was my depression in a soundtrack.

I particularly like this song because it describes me when I am in an episode - it also visually describes my fear of people.

On some days when I leave the house this is how the outside world appears to me (metaphorically of course not literally) and I am fearful of crowds and unknown people. I have been out and about and in a second my brain will flick the switch and I feel like I am in the middle of a Dali-esque horror scene.

Mall trips can be fun for me on MANY levels lol.

Enjoy....

All I Want In 2013 Is To Be Understood........

My "Monster" - Clinical Depression - means that my responses or reactions or actions can sometimes swing from one extreme to the other.

A blogger I look up to is no longer answering my emails. This blogger is someone I respect immensely and - along with Brenton at Aussielicious - got me inspired to build my own blog. But unfortunately he appears to have - I am guessing here - found my extreme swings and somewhat "quirky" ways difficult to deal with.

And as someone that he has no real link to or interest in, I feel he has simply washed his hands of me. I don't think there is any malice in his decision, but as busy as he is these days, I simply believe has come to the conclusion that he just doesn't have the time or energy for it. Again, which I can understand.

What saddens me though, is that I both like and respect this person immensely. I flippantly attempted to throw myself at him in a professional way, and it could have been misinterpreted in several different ways - one of them being that it may have been seen as me attempting to take advantage of his new situation.

This got me thinking......... I have been described by people as being "hard to keep up with". And I am. I have been told that I can come across as having one set of intentions, when actually my intent is completely different. The Monster can take me from wo to yay to "I want to go postal and take you all with me" all in one day....... sometimes all in one hour.

I'm a naturally effusive guy and can often be misinterpreted as being sycophantic or kiss-arse.

I speak my mind and will do so bluntly and with less eloquence and more cussing than I normally would and yes, sometimes I do tend to overreact. Again, in hindsight, I wish I hadn't but it is often difficult to stop the Monster from egging me on.

Not that I say any of the above to try to give myself free license to do or say anything and blame it on the Monster, more to show that the Monster DOES have an influence over me. Sometimes more. Sometimes less.

So here is my New Year Challenge to All of You......

Look beyond the obvious. Try to see me as something else than a blogger who "appears" to be all over the place. Ask me if you need to understand something or if I say something that you believe to be inappropriate or over the top.

I'm quirky. Cooky. And sometimes altogether ooky.

But I am also honest, loyal and will never lie to you.

After a year of being misunderstood by many, maybe now I can have a year where people really do see inside the bubble of the Monster and are able to distinguish between HIM and ME.

I am worth the effort. Just as I try to make the effort with others.

Why?

Because I/We should try :) - through the trying we often happen upon wondrous things we never expected to happen upon.

May 2013 bring you all health, happiness and hope.

Thank you so much for visiting throughout 2012.

My blessings and my prayers.

Damien
xox

The Sadness of Others.....

Having Clinical Depression is a burden to bear - no doubt - but I often look to those who suffer it much worse than I.

There is a pain in seeing your loved ones suffer. Be it physical or mental illness. The difference is that in many instances - tho not all - you can alleviate physical suffering. It's significantly more difficult to alleviate mental suffering.

I have a thousand and one ways that I can describe how *I* feel - how *my* depression affects me - and those few things that can assist *me* - but it's only about / concerning / affecting me. One can not understand someone else's mental illness - because it is all so different - some subtly so, some widely so.

When it's someone you care deeply about / love, it is a pain that is a dull throbbing of your heart that doesn't worsen, but never eases either.

There is a helplessness and frustration one feels when there is nothing left you can do to lessen their burden. You know they are in a similar type of pain. You know there is a *possible* way you *might* help them - but there is a good chance it won't work...

Unfortunately, the by-product of this can be an aggravation of ones' own Depression. Not good.

But how can you NOT try to help? Of course it will take a toll on you. But ask someone taking care of a loved one through say cancer, or HIV, or alzheimers.... they'll all tell you at times there can be a moment of "really?? again??" but they won't walk away. You can't. You won't. It's love.

Do you have a friend or loved one with Depression/Serious Illness? Are you always there for them? Do you feel that urge to walk away sometimes? If you do - congratulations, you're a real person. If you get up every morning with a sunny disposition knowing that you are going to "do good" - you probably have the 'Florence Nightingale' complex and are DOING less good and more LOOKING good.

We often kid ourselves about the impact we have on other peoples lives, but it doesn't mean anyone should not try to make a difference. Managing the expectations of ones impact is more difficult.

I'd like to think that I make a measurable impact on others and certainly I have been told so, but the frustration and the helplessness still hangs around.

I guess I am not managing my own expectations well enough.

Blessings n Shalom

D
xox

PS A moment of serenity - taken when needed :)

Inside My Mind......

I was having a discussion once with a work colleague about depression.... her husband is a Clinical Depressive like me, but won't open up to her about the reality of what it's like for him ......her question was.... "What happens in your mind?".....

The following is a list of the things that are "happening" in my mind......

Emotions battle with each other for supremacy - yet there is never a winner....
My brain will "break" in a nano-second and I will go from what ever mood I am in to something completely different....
My broken brain generates dreams that would scare the shit out of both Dali and Tarentino - in one of them I am a serial killer.......... what I do would make Dahmer puke.....
I can be in the mall - perfectly fine and having a wonderful time shopping and enjoying myself - then my brain will sprain and I am suddenly and totally terrified of those around me....
I am completely and absolutely alone in my head..... there are none that experience what I do... it is the nature of mental illness that is unique to the individual....
The 'Monster" will circle me like a Great White Shark...... but will move off.... I feel safe... then I am suddenly thrown from the ocean of my sanity into a moment of madness that is so terrifying it would make you shit your pants.... really....
I have no flight or fight mode........... only "escape"........
I seek change but have no earthly idea what to change or how or when ......
I desperately desire the company of others.... but their company makes me so anxious I have to go shit.... repeatedly.... no kidding....
My anxiety reflex is shitting......... repeatedly... sometimes 7 times a day....... attractive isn't it...
I question the most simple and non-offensive of remarks...... often negatively.... always in a self reflective mode.... usually to my detriment.....
I seek comfort........... but I know not from whom or what......
Bubb provides the only sense of "safety" I have.... He is a blessing from G-d and an answer to a prayer I spent nearly three years praying for..... Miracles do happen - and he is one......
I am tired...... all the time...... bone tired...... mentally exhausted.....
I have a high IQ - which means I get bored easily..... If I am not stimulated somehow.... the "Monster" pounces... and I have no defence against it.....
When I am 'up'............I am Everest........ when I am 'down' ............ I am the Marianus Trench.....
There is no way .... no words or language.... that can describe how utterly alone I feel... even when surrounded by those I love and am loved by......
I am not a drama queen............ and you should NEVER call someone with depression that name.... we are sick........ just like a physical sickness, but it is centred in our brain.....
I have no answers to the hundreds of questions my "self" asks me....
I feel like an idiot all the time........ for no reason......
I don't know how else to describe it except for this........ I would not wish this illness on the worst of enemies..... the most inhumane dictator.... nor the worst criminal.......

Clinical Depression.......... if you do not have it you will never understand.... if you have it, you will only EVER understand your own.... and when you do...... the "Monster" will change the rules....

My love & blessings to you all....

Shalom

Damien
xox

I Am In Jail.......

I call my Depression one of two things.... The Broken Brain.... and/or The Monster... in reality it should be called The Warden.

There is so much I want to do but my D has me afraid of people - leaving the house - taking chances.

Yes I am having a bad day. First bad funk in a while.... with the exception of the usual melancholy or numb days.

I have so many talents and creative skills. I have a good personality. And I have so much I want to do. But the thought of leaving my house and going "out there" and taking a chance terrifies me.

Yes I am able to shrug it all off with that twisted sense of humour of mine. But The Warden is IN today and I feel worthless and useless and I hate myself. More than usual.

It will pass and I'll be back to Happy Charming Funny Damien (yeah yeah.... I know...)

But today I am a prisoner of The Warden in a Jail that feels like a dark hole with no ladder or ability to climb out.

If any of you ever think people living with Clinical Depression "Dont have it that bad / Are just drama queens" - come back and read my posts.

Coz I'm sugar coating it.

If I told you the thoughts that actually went through my head and the emotions and fears I have in HONEST detail............. you'd crap yourself.

Clinical Depression is a Jail and my broken brain is the Warden.

I hate it - but I have no choice but to live with it.

Shabbat Shalom and Blessings to you all.

Damien
xox

Someone You Know Is Suffering..........

Clinical Depression affects 1in 10 in Australia - 1 in 6 in the USA.

Most will have to see between 4 & 10 doctors before they are properly diagnosed.

Of those with Depression who are misdiagnosed, 1 in 5 will attempt suicide. 20% of those will succeed.

Gay Men & Lesbians experience Environmental Depression - depression caused by ones life environment - at a rate 4 times that of their Heterosexual counterparts.

Depression is mostly organic - that is hereditary - as are most mental illnesses.

Depression can also be episodic - directly caused by a life episode eg...

Infection of HIV / diagnosis of a terminal illness
Death of loved one
Loss of a job
Betrayal / disassociation by a partner
Bullying
Major Illness

Those with Manic Depression - also known as Biploar Disorder - live with an illness often described as "Periods of sanity interrupted by periods of a chaotic horror that can not be adequately described" - Few Manic Depressives who attempt suicide survive.

Those with Depression are often shunned by friends / family and often referred to as "Needy / High Maintenance / Attention Seeking / Precious / Difficult". When the individual attempts to explain their feelings, they are often ridiculed and/or told such phrases as "Don't be silly" - "Toughen Up" - "Why can't you be 'easier'?"

Those with Depression are 4 times as likely to engage in some form of patterned behaviour such as excessive alcohol intake, high levels of promiscuity, higher recreational drug use (most commonly marijuana and/or speed).

Few doctors are trained in Depression and patients often report that they have been informed by their doctor to "Get a hobby and try to keep yourself occupied".

By the time you have finished reading this - 1 person in Australia will have committed suicide - 10 people in America will have committed suicide.

...2 Support........Who Is Doing Movember??......

............if you are doing Movember - send me your link so I can put it on the blog.

I'm not doing Movember this year but very happy to help promote others who are :)

Shalom all

D
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...........2 Funny...........&.......... 2 Sad......... Kinda...........

after my previous post of the funny antics of silly politicians, out of the blue I got a question from someone asking if there was a song that .......... to me............ described depression............

and here it is ....... it's a small glimpse......... but an honest one.................

PS For all those participating in Movember this year.... thank you...........

.....2 Just Send Lillies......I Have Bird Flu............

..................actually I don't - although my doctor CERTAINLY earned his money yesterday.......

...........I seem to have caught the virus a couple of work colleagues are passing back and forth (grist for the rumour mill if you ask me - and I am gunna get a-starting a few let me tell you).....

.......Secondly I went to the doctor last night a for a new Anti-Depressant and WOW - it turned into a quasi-counselling session where a lot more came out than my desire for a med that actually works......... Needless to say he was brilliant - as always - and there is not just light at the end of the tunnel - I feel like I am now standing on the top of a hill as dawn breaks and you feel those first few rays of sunshine caress you from the top of your head down and that warmth enfolds you like a mother's embrace......

..... So whilst I am feeling dreadful today - "Francis, now I know why you looked like you did" (internal joke) - I also feel that there is now serious cause for a little joy.....

........ I like it when Life let's you have a win................ it's good shit............

..........My love and blessings to you all.............

Shalom

D
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....2 Deja Vu..........New Season........New Med.......

..............well my depression has decided it no longer likes my med so I am off to the doctors again on Monday for a new one .....

***insert dazed and somewhat confused look here*** - oh here it is !!!

........Changing meds is a MAJOR pain in the arse.... new side effects......... adjustment time........ mood swings........ chronic fatigue......... blah blah blah........ it's a merry go round I have been on before and the music is now taking on that somewhat distorted tone when the power is slowly being cut............

.......no this isn't poor me......... just another insight into Chronic Clinical Depression............

....Shabbat Shalom.....

D
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.......2 Reveal........ What This Blog Has Brought Me.....

...................so it is day 9 of the current major episode - my first major depressive episode in 3 years.......

.......... One of the things that come to mind is the amazing people that my blog has brought me into contact with - albeit electronically.........

My Lady Sue.......... of the blog Fair View Sue..... what a wonderful lady. A woman of immense character and integrity and an ability to soothe me in a way that mere words could never do before....

My Mistress MJ - of the blog Infomaniac - she is my most wonderful piece of Canadian Beaver - I know this because she sent me a postcard saying as much - her humour is a wonderful salve to my illness.........

My friend Brenton - of Aussielicious - I finally met Brenton recently during a trip to Sydney - aside from being breathtakingly handsome in real life - and he is - he has been a wonderful friend to me - I haven't met someone of such integrity and honesty since I first met my Bubb 9 years ago........

BosGuy - from the blog of the same name - doesnt say much - but when he does email I find myself reevaluating my view of him - funny, intelligent, handsome - I appreciate his patronage...

Viktor from Maybe Its Just Me - what a wonderful person - so sincere and so genuine - and he is a fellow Wonder Woman Fan - what more could I want?......

There are others - Scott from Bill In Exile - Toddy English from his self titled blog - Kez from Mutton Chopped Mutant ............

I am thankful each and every day for the way that blogs can bring many together.... for some it seems silly and somewhat sycophantic - for a clinical depressive like myself, it brings me into contact with people of substance and integrity.

It is so hard to describe how much of an outlet and source of comfort my blog can be. And if someone had told me that it would help me during such a bad episode, I would have laughed at them..... but it's true.

Thank you all for being here and visiting. I hope you do for a long time.

Todah Raba

Shalom

Damien

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