Being Strong

I just wanted to give a quick update about my last post.

If you remember, I flagged the hateful message I received and filed a complaint with Goodreads "Headquarters."

I received the following message from Goodreads on Thursday night:

Hi Matt,

I just encountered the message you flagged in our flagged items queue. I'm truly sorry to hear about that. We strive to maintain an open and welcoming community here, so that type of conduct is not tolerated. We have revoked the member's librarian status and sent him a warning about his behavior on the site.

It's also worth noting that Goodreads librarians are volunteers (not employees), and their opinions are in no way representative of the opinions of the company.

If you receive any further mail like this, please feel free to flag the content or to email me directly here. I do hope this one upsetting incident doesn't prevent you from enjoying the site in the future.

I'm okay with their response. I'm trying very hard to make this whole experience one I can use to grow stronger and survive in a world with people like this.

It would be very easy for me hide and become a fearful person.

It would be very easy for me to be jaded and become a bitter person.

It would be very easy for me to be resentful and become an angry person.

INSTEAD....

I want to live my life with openness.

I want to live my life with compassion.

I want to live my life as a person who strives to "do unto others what I would have them do unto me."

There is too much hate in the world and I don't want to contribute to adding any more. Does that mean I'm a pushover? Not even by a long shot. You mess with me and the people I love and care for, I'm gonna stand firm and not budge one inch. I will not hesitate to show you what "fierce" is all about. Don't tempt me.

If you have hate you want to dump on me, you should look inside yourself and wonder why you hate yourself and others.

I only have time to try and become a better person and hopefully offer something to make this a better world -- for ALL.

Read more »

Proving Myself

Starting college last year was a huge step for me. So I got really upset with myself when I overslept that first day and missed my very first class. Had a huge meltdown over that.

I was eventually able to pull myself together, get in control of my anxiety, remember to take my meds, and move forward. Wasn't easy to do at the time. I felt like my whole world was crumbling.

I went back this past weekend and reread the post where I talked about that day. It was really embarrassing and painful to read what I wrote then. I sounded like some out of control hysterical kindergartner. When I forced myself to read the whole thing, I honestly didn't recognize myself. Did I let someone guest post that day? Who was that person?

I was on some kind of emotional roller coaster, going from one emotional extreme to the other. And believe me it wasn't the first time in my life that I was on that roller coaster.

After thinking I had screwed up my life for missing that first class, to thinking I would never amount to anything, to worrying that Brad would see what a loser I was and leave me, I was able to finally calm myself down and think rationally.

I think I've done some growing up since then. Thank God!

When I finally got to the end of what I had written, I recognized myself again. The person I see myself as today. This sentence stands out for me:

I finally feel like I'm back in my right mind, the one that functions rationally and can actually take the next step(s) to grow up from being some scared little kid to being a capable adult (or at least mini-adult).

I had a day off work this past Friday and in the afternoon I got a call from my boss asking me to come in a little earlier on Monday. He wanted to have a talk with me. My first thought was that he was going to lay me off.

Even though I use to work there full-time before starting college and they seemed to like my work and dedication to the job, you never know how they might be trying to cut corners. Plus, I was a recent rehire so I'm low on the totem pole. And I'm the youngest person in my work crew. I didn't think my very first thought was that unreasonable.

Here's what I wrote about him a long while back:

The guy who is the boss of the home refurbishing unit (which I'm a part of) is a really cool guy. He just turned 62 and is the kind of guy I'd be proud to have as a grandfather or uncle. He's not your typical "macho" cave man construction type, but is actually a really sweet, kind and gentle type of man. Everybody loves him. I mean, he's definitely the boss and you can't walk all over him. When he tells you to do something, you never, ever argue with him. And he definitely will not put up with anybody slacking off. I've seen him angry twice, and he never looses control or is mean, but you definitely know he means business. He's kind of taken me under his wings but he also expects a lot from me.

So I was taken aback when he said he'd like me to come in early on Monday to talk about a promotion! I'm glad he called a little later in the day since my brain can be all over the place first thing in the morning. He's a man of few words anyway so I just asked him what time I should come in.

 When I met with him yesterday he got right to the point. He went down a list of things he liked about my work going back to when I first started there right after high school. Then he started listing some things about my personality he liked. And then said he felt like the other people in my work crew respected me. For just a brief moment I felt like he had gotten me confused with somebody else. For a minute it was hard for me to even recognize myself in what he was saying.

So the specific work unit I'm in specializes in carpentry. This has been my favorite unit so far. And my boss offered me the position of Team Leader or Crew Leader. Those terms are always used interchangeably, but "Leader" is always there.

What this means is that I'll still be doing basic carpentry but then I have to assign specific workers to do specific work, oversee it while it's being done, and then check it on completion. So I'm kind of the work site boss. And then I have a boss who's over me and checks my work and is over the whole Team.

I never mentioned it here in the blog, but when I was rehired this summer, there were two guys on my crew who apparently saw me as an easy target for some ribbing. Not fun ribbing. I can take that. We're talking about cruel ribbing. 

Whenever I'm in a new situation with people I don't know, I always try to find a way to fit in and make myself part of the group. Until I get to know people and figure out how things work, I tend to always try a little too hard. I ought to be hanging back and just observing, but I don't. Plus the ADHD Demon doesn't make it easy. I can be a real motor-mouth and somewhat hyper until I get a good read on the situation.

These two guys thought it was hilarious I was "hyper" at times. They seemed to feel the need to point it out to everyone, laugh about it, and used it in a condescending way, making it sound like I was stupid or an idiot. Like some little kid or an annoying gnat.

I know I can seem hyper sometimes, but there's a way that term can be said that makes it sound like you're damaged. I should say I actually like it when people kid around and poke fun with me IF it's done in an innocently playful way. AND if I already know the people doing the ribbing and know it's done in a good-hearted way. Makes me feel they like me and I honestly enjoy not having to take myself seriously all the time.

My boss noticed these guys one day and had A Talk with both of them. They were put on notice and the ribbing stopped.

Well, guess what? Those two guys are still on my work crew. And guess who their immediate boss is now? There's some kind of irony in knowing these forty-year-old dudes now have a twenty-year-old boss with ADHD who is in charge of organizing the work site, making work assignments, overseeing their job while it's being done, and checking it on completion.

But they're also going to discover their new boss is fair, mature, level-headed, and knows a thing or two about how important it is to respect everyone. And treat everyone fairly. They're going to discover something maybe they've never see before. A twenty-year-old adult.

To say the least, I'm psyched about this. Nervous also. This is a lot of responsibility on my shoulders and my boss is counting on me to come through and do a good job. I'd hate to let him down.

I'm also expecting a lot from myself. To be honest, I think this weighs more heavily on me. Maybe that's what makes me an adult, as opposed to the "mini-adult" I wrote about almost a year ago.

Proving myself.

Proving myself to my boss is important. 

Proving myself to my work crew is important. 

But I think proving myself to myself is even more essential. At least to me it is.

Read more »

One of Those Days

"Hey kid!" the man at table 3 yelled across the restaurant.

Everybody turns to look at the man. Everybody watches "the kid" as he heads to the man's table.

"Kid" is me.

"Table 3 Man" is the jerk.

I'm learning a lot about the class system here in the U.S. Some people claim we're all equal, like it says in the Declaration of Independence: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal." I guess Table 3 Man hasn't heard the news yet.

I normally don't mind being referred to as a "kid" if it's used in a playful or affectionate way. I have a really good friend who's twice my age who regularly refers to me as "kiddo," which I like. With him it makes me feel cared for because of how he uses it. He never uses it in a condescending way and I feel like he calls me that because he likes me.

So back to my story. Table 3 Man wanted some more water. I'm always good about paying attention to my tables and making sure I check in with people regularly. In the short time I've worked at this restaurant, I've not had any complaints from anybody and people always leave me good tips.

The owner of the restaurant has said I'm doing an "exceptional job" (his words) and I can tell by the way he jokes around with me that he likes me and genuinely means what he says.

When I got over to Table 3 Man, I had a smile on my face and tried not to interrupt the conversation with the person he was dining with. When someone calls me, I can usually just arrive at their table, flash my best smile, and they tell me what they need. I rarely ever have to say anything. They usually just say, "Could I have my check, please?" or "Could I see the dessert menu, please?"

Table 3 Man acts like I just interrupted negotiations for World Peace. He turns to me like I'm some annoying gnat that needs to be swatted, lets out this frustrated sigh you could hear across the restaurant, shoves his empty water glass to the edge of the table, doesn't give me the courtesy of even looking at me as if I'm invisible, and says with all the contempt he can muster, "If it wouldn't be too much trouble, Kid, this glass is empty." He then turns back quickly to the more important business of negotiating World Peace.

Hey, I know people can be jerks. I get that. Most of the time it just rolls off my back. I've been in a bad mood before where I've said things that probably make me a jerk. The thing is, as soon as the "jerky" comment leaves my mouth, I know it. I hope what distinguishes me from Table 3 Man is the fact that I feel about 3 inches tall when I say something rude and I try to turn things around, which includes apologizing to the other person.

So I tried to figure out why this affected me like it did. I mean, Table 3 Man was a total stranger. I've never seen him before and if I'm lucky I'll never see him again. I was telling Matty about it and he said there was a small group of people in his high school who didn't even know him but when he came out as gay, they heard the news and made it a point to go out of their way to treat him like he was a piece of shit.

He said the fact that he didn't know these kids or that they didn't know him, made no difference. When you're being targeted by people who see you as a piece of trash instead of a human being, it's gets to you.

Maybe I was being overly sensitive. Maybe I need to get a thicker skin. Maybe I need to grow up.

Or maybe I'm starting to see the world for what it is. There are some really good people in the world. Probably about 99.9% of the diners in the restaurant where I work are a pleasure to serve. Most people smile. Most people say "please." Most people seem happy with how I wait on them. Lots of people have these brief little chats with me that last all of 30 seconds where we comment about the weather. Nothing deep. Nothing involving World Peace. Just pleasant surface conversation.

Then there are the people who see you as some ignorant little kid. They think your mission in life is to "know your place" and not cross over into "real" life. For them, you don't have any worth other than making their life easier. They don't see you as a human being with feelings, who has as "real" a life as they do.

So, do me a favor the next time you're dining in my restaurant and I'm your server. Just keep it in the back of your mind that I have real feelings inside. That I have a real life outside the restaurant. That I may look like I'm some dumb college kid who might not measure up to your idea of somebody worthy of being treated with a little respect. If you have to, fake it. That's cool. You just came to the restaurant to have a nice meal. You're only here for an hour or so and then you might not ever see me again.

If you'd like me to fill your glass with more water, no problem. I'm watching you and all my other tables while you dine. All you have to do is look over to where I am. I'll be at your table in no time. And with a smile on my face.

But please, please, don't treat me like I'm a piece of shit. Or like I'm invisible. I don't think it's asking too much for just a little common courtesy. Hey, that goes a long way.

Maybe if we all started treating each other with a little bit more respect (even if it's just surface respect), it might start spreading all around. That's the kind of world I want to live in. Thank you and I hope you enjoyed your meal.

Read more »