I've been thinking

Because of where I am in my undergraduate degree program, I've been doing some thinking about my future in school. I'm getting close to being required to declare a major (I have to do this at the end of next semester) and this has raised a number of questions.

There's absolutely no doubt in my mind that I want a career as a professional chef. I have no illusions that just because I finish my schooling I'll be able to land a dream job doing the style of cooking I love in the perfect restaurant setting. I know I'll have jobs doing things I may not particularly enjoy as I start to accumulate experience in the field. I'm totally fine with that.

But to be honest, right now it feels like this whole process is going to take decades and decades and I'm feeling  really, really impatient.

I decided years ago, while in high school, that I wanted to go to college. At the time I hadn't decided on anything specific I wanted to study, but I definitely wanted a college degree. There was something important about having that solid degree and knowing nobody could take that away from me.

Don't get me wrong. I've enjoyed most of the courses I've taken so far. I'm doing well academically, even though I have to work really hard for the grades I've gotten. I'm actually proud of myself for taking school seriously and somehow I've managed to make some friends.

But the problem is this. I'm feeling really, really impatient knowing I have to wait several more years before I begin training for my career. Sure, I'm getting experience right now as a waiter in a restaurant and I've been able to get a very, very small amount of "hands on" experience working with the chef there.

So if I stick with college, what should I be doing? Spend all my spare time reading cookbooks? Turn our kitchen at home into some kind of cooking laboratory and use Matty and our friends as guinea pigs? Leave my current job and try to find another one where I can work as a line cook in a roadside diner?

The other option is to drop out of college as soon as I get accepted in a culinary school. Or drop out now before I spend any more money trying to get a degree in history or literature or sociology or analytical chemistry! Something I would have to really s-t-r-e-t-c-h to make it applicable to what I really want to do.

I'm not making any decisions rashly and I'm definitely going to finish this semester no matter what. There's too much at stake here for me to screw things up.

But damn. I really am feeling so impatient! Right now it feels like I'm just treading water so I can some day start doing what I really want to do. But what if I regret not getting a college degree?

I want my decision to be the right one and I really want to enjoy the process. So where am I right now? I don't know the right decision and I'm not enjoying the process.

When all is said and done, I want a life I can be proud of. Right now it feels like a goal that's never going to happen. Maybe I'm being too impatient. Maybe I'm being unrealistic. But why do some things in life seem to take so long and are so hard and complicated?

As soon as I get home tonight I need to begin reading for a psychology class I'm taking called Perception and Behavior. To be honest, I'd much rather be reading for a class called, Fundamentals of Classical Cuisine.

I'm sure I'll figure all this out. If I didn't believe that, I'd probably sink into a really dark depression. But damn, it's hard to stay in a good place about all this.

Thanks for reading. Sincerely, Chef Brad

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Proving Myself

Starting college last year was a huge step for me. So I got really upset with myself when I overslept that first day and missed my very first class. Had a huge meltdown over that.

I was eventually able to pull myself together, get in control of my anxiety, remember to take my meds, and move forward. Wasn't easy to do at the time. I felt like my whole world was crumbling.

I went back this past weekend and reread the post where I talked about that day. It was really embarrassing and painful to read what I wrote then. I sounded like some out of control hysterical kindergartner. When I forced myself to read the whole thing, I honestly didn't recognize myself. Did I let someone guest post that day? Who was that person?

I was on some kind of emotional roller coaster, going from one emotional extreme to the other. And believe me it wasn't the first time in my life that I was on that roller coaster.

After thinking I had screwed up my life for missing that first class, to thinking I would never amount to anything, to worrying that Brad would see what a loser I was and leave me, I was able to finally calm myself down and think rationally.

I think I've done some growing up since then. Thank God!

When I finally got to the end of what I had written, I recognized myself again. The person I see myself as today. This sentence stands out for me:

I finally feel like I'm back in my right mind, the one that functions rationally and can actually take the next step(s) to grow up from being some scared little kid to being a capable adult (or at least mini-adult).

I had a day off work this past Friday and in the afternoon I got a call from my boss asking me to come in a little earlier on Monday. He wanted to have a talk with me. My first thought was that he was going to lay me off.

Even though I use to work there full-time before starting college and they seemed to like my work and dedication to the job, you never know how they might be trying to cut corners. Plus, I was a recent rehire so I'm low on the totem pole. And I'm the youngest person in my work crew. I didn't think my very first thought was that unreasonable.

Here's what I wrote about him a long while back:

The guy who is the boss of the home refurbishing unit (which I'm a part of) is a really cool guy. He just turned 62 and is the kind of guy I'd be proud to have as a grandfather or uncle. He's not your typical "macho" cave man construction type, but is actually a really sweet, kind and gentle type of man. Everybody loves him. I mean, he's definitely the boss and you can't walk all over him. When he tells you to do something, you never, ever argue with him. And he definitely will not put up with anybody slacking off. I've seen him angry twice, and he never looses control or is mean, but you definitely know he means business. He's kind of taken me under his wings but he also expects a lot from me.

So I was taken aback when he said he'd like me to come in early on Monday to talk about a promotion! I'm glad he called a little later in the day since my brain can be all over the place first thing in the morning. He's a man of few words anyway so I just asked him what time I should come in.

 When I met with him yesterday he got right to the point. He went down a list of things he liked about my work going back to when I first started there right after high school. Then he started listing some things about my personality he liked. And then said he felt like the other people in my work crew respected me. For just a brief moment I felt like he had gotten me confused with somebody else. For a minute it was hard for me to even recognize myself in what he was saying.

So the specific work unit I'm in specializes in carpentry. This has been my favorite unit so far. And my boss offered me the position of Team Leader or Crew Leader. Those terms are always used interchangeably, but "Leader" is always there.

What this means is that I'll still be doing basic carpentry but then I have to assign specific workers to do specific work, oversee it while it's being done, and then check it on completion. So I'm kind of the work site boss. And then I have a boss who's over me and checks my work and is over the whole Team.

I never mentioned it here in the blog, but when I was rehired this summer, there were two guys on my crew who apparently saw me as an easy target for some ribbing. Not fun ribbing. I can take that. We're talking about cruel ribbing. 

Whenever I'm in a new situation with people I don't know, I always try to find a way to fit in and make myself part of the group. Until I get to know people and figure out how things work, I tend to always try a little too hard. I ought to be hanging back and just observing, but I don't. Plus the ADHD Demon doesn't make it easy. I can be a real motor-mouth and somewhat hyper until I get a good read on the situation.

These two guys thought it was hilarious I was "hyper" at times. They seemed to feel the need to point it out to everyone, laugh about it, and used it in a condescending way, making it sound like I was stupid or an idiot. Like some little kid or an annoying gnat.

I know I can seem hyper sometimes, but there's a way that term can be said that makes it sound like you're damaged. I should say I actually like it when people kid around and poke fun with me IF it's done in an innocently playful way. AND if I already know the people doing the ribbing and know it's done in a good-hearted way. Makes me feel they like me and I honestly enjoy not having to take myself seriously all the time.

My boss noticed these guys one day and had A Talk with both of them. They were put on notice and the ribbing stopped.

Well, guess what? Those two guys are still on my work crew. And guess who their immediate boss is now? There's some kind of irony in knowing these forty-year-old dudes now have a twenty-year-old boss with ADHD who is in charge of organizing the work site, making work assignments, overseeing their job while it's being done, and checking it on completion.

But they're also going to discover their new boss is fair, mature, level-headed, and knows a thing or two about how important it is to respect everyone. And treat everyone fairly. They're going to discover something maybe they've never see before. A twenty-year-old adult.

To say the least, I'm psyched about this. Nervous also. This is a lot of responsibility on my shoulders and my boss is counting on me to come through and do a good job. I'd hate to let him down.

I'm also expecting a lot from myself. To be honest, I think this weighs more heavily on me. Maybe that's what makes me an adult, as opposed to the "mini-adult" I wrote about almost a year ago.

Proving myself.

Proving myself to my boss is important. 

Proving myself to my work crew is important. 

But I think proving myself to myself is even more essential. At least to me it is.

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One of Those Days

"Hey kid!" the man at table 3 yelled across the restaurant.

Everybody turns to look at the man. Everybody watches "the kid" as he heads to the man's table.

"Kid" is me.

"Table 3 Man" is the jerk.

I'm learning a lot about the class system here in the U.S. Some people claim we're all equal, like it says in the Declaration of Independence: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal." I guess Table 3 Man hasn't heard the news yet.

I normally don't mind being referred to as a "kid" if it's used in a playful or affectionate way. I have a really good friend who's twice my age who regularly refers to me as "kiddo," which I like. With him it makes me feel cared for because of how he uses it. He never uses it in a condescending way and I feel like he calls me that because he likes me.

So back to my story. Table 3 Man wanted some more water. I'm always good about paying attention to my tables and making sure I check in with people regularly. In the short time I've worked at this restaurant, I've not had any complaints from anybody and people always leave me good tips.

The owner of the restaurant has said I'm doing an "exceptional job" (his words) and I can tell by the way he jokes around with me that he likes me and genuinely means what he says.

When I got over to Table 3 Man, I had a smile on my face and tried not to interrupt the conversation with the person he was dining with. When someone calls me, I can usually just arrive at their table, flash my best smile, and they tell me what they need. I rarely ever have to say anything. They usually just say, "Could I have my check, please?" or "Could I see the dessert menu, please?"

Table 3 Man acts like I just interrupted negotiations for World Peace. He turns to me like I'm some annoying gnat that needs to be swatted, lets out this frustrated sigh you could hear across the restaurant, shoves his empty water glass to the edge of the table, doesn't give me the courtesy of even looking at me as if I'm invisible, and says with all the contempt he can muster, "If it wouldn't be too much trouble, Kid, this glass is empty." He then turns back quickly to the more important business of negotiating World Peace.

Hey, I know people can be jerks. I get that. Most of the time it just rolls off my back. I've been in a bad mood before where I've said things that probably make me a jerk. The thing is, as soon as the "jerky" comment leaves my mouth, I know it. I hope what distinguishes me from Table 3 Man is the fact that I feel about 3 inches tall when I say something rude and I try to turn things around, which includes apologizing to the other person.

So I tried to figure out why this affected me like it did. I mean, Table 3 Man was a total stranger. I've never seen him before and if I'm lucky I'll never see him again. I was telling Matty about it and he said there was a small group of people in his high school who didn't even know him but when he came out as gay, they heard the news and made it a point to go out of their way to treat him like he was a piece of shit.

He said the fact that he didn't know these kids or that they didn't know him, made no difference. When you're being targeted by people who see you as a piece of trash instead of a human being, it's gets to you.

Maybe I was being overly sensitive. Maybe I need to get a thicker skin. Maybe I need to grow up.

Or maybe I'm starting to see the world for what it is. There are some really good people in the world. Probably about 99.9% of the diners in the restaurant where I work are a pleasure to serve. Most people smile. Most people say "please." Most people seem happy with how I wait on them. Lots of people have these brief little chats with me that last all of 30 seconds where we comment about the weather. Nothing deep. Nothing involving World Peace. Just pleasant surface conversation.

Then there are the people who see you as some ignorant little kid. They think your mission in life is to "know your place" and not cross over into "real" life. For them, you don't have any worth other than making their life easier. They don't see you as a human being with feelings, who has as "real" a life as they do.

So, do me a favor the next time you're dining in my restaurant and I'm your server. Just keep it in the back of your mind that I have real feelings inside. That I have a real life outside the restaurant. That I may look like I'm some dumb college kid who might not measure up to your idea of somebody worthy of being treated with a little respect. If you have to, fake it. That's cool. You just came to the restaurant to have a nice meal. You're only here for an hour or so and then you might not ever see me again.

If you'd like me to fill your glass with more water, no problem. I'm watching you and all my other tables while you dine. All you have to do is look over to where I am. I'll be at your table in no time. And with a smile on my face.

But please, please, don't treat me like I'm a piece of shit. Or like I'm invisible. I don't think it's asking too much for just a little common courtesy. Hey, that goes a long way.

Maybe if we all started treating each other with a little bit more respect (even if it's just surface respect), it might start spreading all around. That's the kind of world I want to live in. Thank you and I hope you enjoyed your meal.

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A Quickie

Just a quickie update since you haven't seen much of us lately. Didn't want you to think we'd been sent to some kind of Witness Protection Program.

                  I GOT A JOB!!!


They didn't offer me a job at that fancy-smancy restaurant in downtown Boston, which I'm actually happy about. I think my age probably had something to do with it since all the the other waiters were in their 40s or older and had a sophisticated butler look to their appearance. Plus everybody in there talked with some kind of aristocratic accent you would expect to see on a TV program they might call The Queen Visits the Manor House (no offense to our UK friends intended).

This is the place where, when I asked about the possibility of getting some kitchen experience since I wanted to go to culinary school at some point, they just looked at me like I had gotten off the boat or something.

I did get a waiter job at a really nice restaurant in the 'burb next to where we live. I'm going to be working the lunch shift and they gave me 5 hours a day for 5 days a week. I might get the dinner shift a little later, which would be good since you make better tips then.

The owner said he talked to their chef and I may be able to get some hours in the kitchen. But he told me there was some kind of Health Department rule that unless you are a "certified" chef, you have to take this 5 hour course where they teach you that you need to wash your hands and, get this, if you cough or sneeze, you should always make sure your snot doesn't get in the food! Who would have known? LOL!

Oh, and when you're preparing the food, you should always be fully clothed, unlike Chef Hunk over there ------------------------------------>

Matty continues to enjoy his construction job. It's sweaty work and we're enjoying the mandatory shower he has to take once he gets home. I always make sure I haven't had my shower for the day when he arrives! At least we're saving water. I think. Somehow these shared showers seem to last longer for some reason. ;-)

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Summer Plans

Hi everybody! This is Brad and I'm going to be your Blog Host for a little while.

Matty started work earlier this week and he's not exactly sure what his hours are going to be since they can vary from day to day depending on the job they're working on.

If you remember he got his old job back at the construction company where he'll be helping them update, refinish, and refurbish old homes. I gotta say he's in heaven going back there since he's definitely not your 9 to 5 office kind of guy! Put him in an office and he'll be staring out the windows daydreaming. And squirming in his seat. And getting up all the time to walk around looking for other stuff to do!

Plus I'm gonna definitely enjoy welcoming him home at the end of his day. I mean, having my very own hunky construction worker walk in the front door with that leather belt thingy they wear to carry a hammer, screwdrivers, and other assorted equipment, is, well, a real turn on! I've already gotten some "hammering" out of the deal within 5 minutes of him walking in the door -- and I'm not talking about the "hammer" in his leather belt thingy either! He's got another "hammer" he keeps hidden most of the time that's got my name written on it! ;-)

I've already gone on two job interviews myself and I have a third one lined up. There's a restaurant in the next town over from where we live that looks really promising. It's one of those restaurants that has a really nice atmosphere inside -- not too formal and not too casual. Somewhere in between. They're looking for wait staff, which I have some experience with, and I got the impression I probably got a job there, even though he didn't formally offer it to me yet. I'm going back this weekend to see him again and that's when I'll find out.

I told him I was interested in getting some kitchen experience, even though I've never worked in a restaurant kitchen, but I was able to talk intelligently about cooking and he seemed impressed I suppose. He said he would talk to his chef about it and said I would have to be flexible in my hours if it worked out. So, we'll see.

I also had an interview yesterday at this really fancy (meaning upscale, five-star) restaurant in downtown Boston. It's one of those you're definitely not going to see your average college kid frequenting! Coat and tie. Platinum credit card in the wallet (you know, the ones that advertise: "You've earned it, and now is the time to start living your dreams.").

I only got the interview because I have an uncle who knows some people in the restaurant business. They seemed really nice, but it's definitely five-notches above what I'm use to when we eat out.

It was pretty clear that they're only interested in filling some wait staff positions. When I asked about working in the kitchen, one of the managers just stared at me like a deer in the headlight. Must have thought I just got off the boat or something. He quickly composed himself and said they have an arrangement with some culinary schools (both locally and internationally, he didn't hesitate to tell me) where those students can come to get some professional experience before they graduate. I'm definitely not in the running for that, needless to say. But, if I get my foot in the door, well, that would be good.

Oh, the good news! Both of us passed all our classes with flying colors! Yippee! If you remember, I was is a constant state of nerves the whole semester. Keeping up with assignments, doing all the readings, going to all the study groups, making it to all the classes, etc.... Now I can't remember what all the anxiety was about! Well, I do, but all I can say is I'm glad the semester is over. I'm sure (keeping my fingers crossed) the next semester will be a little less nerve wracking!

I'm still continuing with my therapy sessions each week, even though I'm not in summer school. I had to pre-enroll for next semester and I had to agree do this research thing through my faculty advisor over the summer.

Anyway, the sessions are going well. I still like the therapist I'm seeing and he's mainly helping me "pace" (his word) myself in the sessions. After I finished with finals I was thinking, Okay, now I can really get into all the hard issues I was avoiding while taking classes.

Oh man, did I have a waterfall of tears talking about some childhood issues. He very firmly told me it was important to "pace" myself through all this, meaning not to feel I had to tear my heart open and spill everything out in one or two sessions! That was a great relief. Now we're going at a slower pace and it feels a lot better. He laughed when I told him I didn't want any more Niagara Falls sessions! He joked back and said if every session was Niagara Falls, he'd have to charge me for all the Kleenex!

Well, I guess that's it for now. If you'll excuse me I need to do some cleaning around the house before my construction worker comes home -- hopefully to do some "hammering" with that "tool" that has my name on it! LOL.

You +1'd this publicly.

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Naked Cooking

Well, it seems somebody got there before me!

Our friend Susan emailed me this pic last week, so I guess I'm gonna have to come up with another name for my products when I eventually get my culinary career off the ground (years from now). -------------------->

Also, there's a famous British chef who already grabbed a nickname (The Naked Chef) I thought was sorta cute. Plus, I have to add, he's kinda cute himself. His name, BTW, is Jamie Oliver. I especially like the pic on the right.

Well, back to the drawing board, or the cutting board I should say! ;)

But maybe there is some kind of future out there for me as a naked chef of some kind. And now for your viewing pleasure, meet some of these hotties:

I might need your help, though, with some ideas for a "catch" title for my career. Something that'll grab your attention and make you want to buy my cookbooks and visit my restaurant. Anybody got any ideas that haven't been taken yet? 

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Cooking, My Mom, and My Future

Matty mentioned yesterday that Christmas is his favorite holiday whereas Thanksgiving is my favorite. Well, I think we're having a big influence on each other when it comes to the holidays. He really got into the Thanksgiving spirit this year and now I'm finding myself getting into the Christmas spirit.

I've always like Thanksgiving best because of all the cooking involved, at least that's how it's been with my family. I know, I know, lots of people don't like to cook, but it's one of the things I really enjoy.

My mom's about the best cook I know and when I was growing up I use to love spending time with her in the kitchen, especially during the Fall and Winter.

She's one of those cooks who can start with an idea about something she wants to make and then she starts adding things or changing things from a recipe she might be following. I always loved watching her cook. It was one of those times she reminded me of a little girl.

When she was in the kitchen, she was in some kind of Happy Land. I remember her saying things like, "Hmmmm, let's see what we can do with beef stew." Then you could almost see her ideas spinning around inside her brain as she would go to the cabinet and pick out three or four different spices she thought might be friends. It really was like she was doing some kind of matchmaking with those spices!

And believe me, the kitchen was her domain. That may be part of the reason I'm so protective of our kitchen now, in addition to trying to keep Matty from burning the house  down! Like I've said  before, he's only allowed to push the buttons on the microwave and get stuff out of the fridge, and I have to be in the kitchen or close by when he does those things! LOL. I'm really just exaggerating when I say that, but not by much! 

Being in the kitchen with my mom was also a time when we would open up to each other about things on our mind. While I was busy stirring things in a bowl and she was busy chopping celery or peppers, I could talk to her about personal things that were going on in my life. I would tell her about what was happening in school, how I was getting along with certain friends, stuff I was worried about, movies I liked, things like that. Not really earth-shattering topics but things that were on my mind.

She would tell me things about how she got along with her parents or stories about how she dealt with things when she was my age. Then, sometimes right in the middle of throwing some ingredients together in a bowl, she would stop, look at me, and say something like, "Did I ever tell you about when I skipped school in the seventh grade?"

Those were the moments I always waited for. I knew she was about to either tell some secret, or something about her past I had never heard before. And it always ended up being something either funny or mildly shocking, not bad shocking, but just something kinda surprising I never knew about her before.

We also use to tell each other jokes while we were cooking. And we had this one game we played where we would sorta invent a new joke. One of us would start things off with the first sentence of a joke and neither of us would have any idea how the joke might end up. We would go back and forth, each just adding one sentence, until it was pretty clear what the punch line might be. If we got stuck, we'd agree to revise some sentence in the joke, like add another character or change the situation they were in, and the story would take off with a life of its own.

I have no doubt that's where I got my love of cooking. Making up recipes, talking to my mom when we were both the most relaxed of all, and then eating and enjoying all those dishes we came up with together.

I've been thinking for a long time about "what I want to be when I grow up." My dad's a lawyer so naturally I've thought about that. But I honestly don't think I'd be any good at it. I know there's a lot of creativity involved in being a lawyer, like how to take some situation a person's in, think about what all the different laws have to say about it, then think about how you're going to put a case together and hopefully help the person. But it just seems to require a certain way of thinking that makes my head hurt when I think about doing it myself. 

I guess it's no surprise that I'm about 90% sure I want to be a cook or a chef or do something connected to cooking. I want to finish college first and get that basic degree, but I'm seriously thinking about going to a school where I can learn about culinary art. Nothing is written in stone, of course, so I might end up doing something else. One thing I know for sure is that I like to read a lot and cook, especially baking. Those are two strong passions I have. Maybe I'll end up being a chef and writing cook books, who know? That way I can combine both things. Or maybe I'll eventually own a restaurant. When I think about all this, I get really excited, so I guess that means something, right?

Anyway, I have some time to think this all the way through. In the meantime, I'm getting ready to do some more cooking for the upcoming holidays. Maybe I can now add Christmas cooking to all the Thanksgiving cooking I love to do.

Matty's getting excited about what kind of gifts he wants to buy our families and our friends, so while he's out shopping, maybe I'll have time to think about making up some new recipes. I also like it when he sits in the kitchen with me while I'm baking. We've had some really fun conversations and, of course, he's always staring at that icing in the bowl, waiting to lick the spoon. I'm starting to really get into the holiday spirit now.

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Got a Summer Job!

YAY! I landed a summer job! Since graduating from high school, I've been applying for just about anything I could find for summer work. So, I'm gonna be a waiter! My sister knows the son of one of the owners of this upscale restaurant not too far from where I live. She put in a good word for me but there were like 10 other people applying for jobs there. So, it was definitely not a shoo-in. Plus, I have zero, zip experience in doing anything like this. I've worked in a grocery story as a bagger and stock boy and done other various types of work that didn't involve much skill.

The owner who hired me said he thought my personality (huh?) would fit right in with the atmosphere they try to create. He didn't explain any further what he actually meant, so I have no clue what part of my so-called "personality" I'm suppose to be strutting! And I was so nervous in the interview that I forgot to ask. All he said is that they expect the waiters to be, I think he said, "friendly and personable." Hmmmmm, guess my nervousness didn't come across too much if he thought I fit that expectation!

He wants me to work the lunch service for starters and would "see where we go from there." Huh, again?? I know they probably make all their big money on the dinner menu, so maybe he meant that? Then there's the problem of me not being able to serve alcohol drinks due to my age. You have to be 21 in this State, so I got a ways to go from there. I know they serve drinks in the lunch menu but I guess they'll have somebody else bring those over.

So, I'm going to be wearing one of those semi-fancy waiter costumes. Black shoes, black pants, white shirt and this little bow-tie thing! I'm hoping we can wear one of those clip-on things cause I can't even tie the knot on a regular tie! I think the evening servers wear a vest as part of their drag.

He said I would be shadowing one of the other servers for the first week and that's my probation period. After that I'm on my own!

So, I gotta do some research I guess. Maybe read one of those how-to books: 

Wish me luck! Oh, and, "May I take your order?" {said with a "friendly and personable" smile}

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