Party boy

Just a short update from this party animal. Yeah, right!

As you might recall, I've been trying to push myself out of my comfort zone when I'm in a social situation. But I have no desire to push myself into being something I'm not. I'm probably always going to be somewhat shy in social situations, and I can live with that. The problem for me is that I don't want to feel like I have to become "invisible" just to get through the evening.

So the two parties we went to a few weeks back were something of a success. Yes, that's right. Two parties in one night! I call that Saturday night our "party circuit."

One party was just with two other couples and I felt the most comfortable at this one, I guess for obvious reasons. It just felt more manageable and I felt less pressure to "be on."

The larger party was a bit much for my tastes. I already knew a few other people there and Evan, my new friend, and I stuck together like bandits. I also got to know him a little better.

He's 19 and goes to another college in the area and is originally from Tennessee. He's got this really nice Southern accent and I kept trying to get him to talk so I could listen to him.

When I told him I liked his accent, he became a little self-conscious and said he's been trying to hide the accent because apparently he's gotten some flack because of it. It seems some people hear his accent and assume all kinds of negative things about him. When I told him I could listen to him talk all day long, he sorta had this bewildered look, like I must be off my rocker or something. I told him it had this calming effect on me, which he thought was cool.

So we did this thing where we picked different words or phrases and we both pronounced them in our own accent. He said I didn't have a strong Boston accent like some he's heard, but he did got a kick out of how I pronounced certain words or phrases.

He said I have a slight tendency to drop my "r" on certain words, like "park," which he said comes out like "pock," with a long "a." He also said I pronounce "party" like "potty," and we got a lot of strange looks in our direction when we both about fell on the floor laughing at that one!

Anyway, I'm getting a few good insights about my shyness:

1. When I was at the larger party ("potty"), I realized I'm actually a very observant person. Since I'm not busy doing a lot of talking, I spend time sizing up people just by watching them and their body language. Evan and I did this thing where we picked out some people and made up some stories about their life. I mean we had a whole short story going about a couple of people... where they were from originally, what some of their secrets were, embarrassing things that happened to them, and so forth.

2. Remember for my birthday back in November when Matty took me out to eat at that restaurant owned by one of my favorite chefs? Well, I can't remember if I mentioned this when I wrote the post about it, but she came across as a little shy in person as well as when I've seen her on TV. And look at her. She's quite the success. When she came to our table to greet us she didn't say very much, and aside from me being highly nervous to meet her, I really liked how she didn't make her appearance at our table all about how she's this celebrity and how lucky we were to be at her restaurant. She was very gracious and somewhat low-key and actually seemed happy we were there.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, my goal is not to overcome my shyness. I'll probably always be somewhat shy. The thing is, my shyness is one part of my personality and I'm learning to like certain aspects of it, instead of seeing it as a defect that needs to be "fixed." 

I actually kinda hate it when people have said to me, "Oh, don't be so shy." They make it sound like something awful and something I need to be ashamed of. Well, I don't see it as awful or tragic or shameful. I need people to just chill and see me for who I am. I'm quiet until I get to know you, and you may have to make the effort to start the conversation, but if you think my shyness is something distasteful or uncool, well, move on along. I don't have time for you or your nonsense. And it's your loss anyway.

The bottom line is I don't really care about being the center of attention. That's just not me. My goal is to feel like I don't have to go invisible in social settings. That I can be as visible as I feel comfortable letting myself be.

The thing is, Evan and I had a nice time being pals at the party. We genuinely laughed at each others jokes, helped make each other feel comfortable about being around so many loud people, and even made each other feel "normal." I left the party that night thinking about how I might forget everything Evan said, or how he acted, but I'm still feeling good about how he made me feel. And I could tell he left feeling good about how I made him feel. Those are the things that really matter with friends. I believe people rarely forget how you made them feel.

So I want to keep working on how to stay centered inside my own skin so I can enjoy myself, shyness and all, at these "potties" we go to sometimes. :-)

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Pimping Matty

My Party Animal, aka Social Butterfly Matty, said we've been invited to 3 parties this weekend! Three. THREE! Like in, one... two... THREE! I secretly think he's on some kind of mission to help me overcome some of my social shyness!

He was so cute when he told me about the invitations because I know he really wants to go to all three, and he also knows I'd probably rather be in my jammies at home. But then he said two of the parties are at the same time so if we decided to go, we would have only two to choose from (which is better than three!)

One party is just two other couples, and I think that one would be manageable. So we're definitely going to that one. The other party is a lot larger and I think I'm going to know two or three people there. I asked Matty if he thought the people having the party would mind if I invited my new friend, Evan, to go with us. He's the guy I met at the party last Saturday who's just as shy as me.

Well, Matty checked with them and they said cool, so I called Evan to see if he wanted to go with us, and he said yes! Hehe, I might even start some kind of Shyness Anonymous group before you know it! LOL

Anyway, I think Evan might be a little more shy than me. He's got a really nice, sweet personality and we seemed to hit it off -- well, I guess as much as two shy people can "hit it off." LOL

At the party last Saturday I think I might have inadvertently helped him overcome some of his shyness, even though that wasn't my intention. We were talking and he asked me if I knew anybody at the party. I told him I knew two people, this kid from one of my classes and that I had come with my boyfriend.

When I said "boyfriend" he sorta looked at me for about a split second (which is typical of some shy people) and then looked away. I've long gotten over hiding the fact that I'm gay, so I just waited to see what he might say next.

After a short pause he asked me which one was my boyfriend, so I pointed him out. There was another pause, so I was waiting to see where this was going.

Then he just said, "He's cute." Well... I took that as him coming out to me and when I looked at him and he looked at me, I could see he was blushing all different shades of red!  So I decided to take the plunge.

I asked him if he had a boyfriend and he said, "I wish." Then he got all quiet and shy and said to me, with just the slightest hint of a grin, "Would you share Matt?" I could tell he was just joking so I told him, "Well, he's free on Mondays and Thursdays. Want me to book you?" Well... he just looked at me kinda startled  and then I started laughing, which he did too!!

I still don't know him all that well yet, but he's really adorable and if we get to know him better, I might offer to play matchmaker and find him somebody. But that's waaaay too early since I don't know him that well yet.

Anyway, thought you guys might get a kick out of how all this is progressing. Wish me luck tonight as I venture out on my "social circuit." I doubt I'll ever become some kind of social butterfly like someone else I know, but I do want to push myself a little more out of my comfort zone.

Either that or I could see if I have a future being a pimp! LOL
 

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Up in the air looking down

I'm not the most social person in the world but I decided to have a new attitude about going to a party we were invited to this past Saturday night.

I knew I was only going to know one other person there (besides Matty) so my plan was to grab some food, find my friend Tom, and try not to put any pressure on myself to be a party animal. Matty loves this kind of thing and it's a sight to see him work the crowd. Well, if you can call ten other people a "crowd."

Most of the time when I'm at a party I feel like I'm "up in the air looking down." I sorta make myself invisible and it feels like I can see what's going on without being a part of things. Even when Matty is by my side and includes me in what he's doing, I still feel like being at a party is alien to me.

But for some reason I decided to have a new attitude for this party Saturday night. I gave a lot of thought beforehand and decided my new attitude would be to just accept my basic shy personality and not change into something I'm not in order to be sociable. What would be the point of that? I figured if I forced myself to put on a "party face" it just wouldn't be my true self and I'd end up completely miserable.

This got me to thinking about what my "true self" actually is. In a social setting, my tendency is to blend in without drawing any attention to myself. But see, this is not exactly true because when we go out, I enjoy doing some things that inevitably draw attention.

(Not me, BTW)

When we're out in a social setting I always like to wear a little eye liner. I don't put it on with the intention of getting people to notice me. It actually does the opposite and helps me relax so I can just chill. When I do something that feels natural, I like the way I feel inside and I can just settle in for the evening.

It's when I try to force myself to be something I'm not that gets me in trouble. That's when I get attention that's really uncomfortable. Trying to force myself to be humorous or witty in a social setting, for example, always gets people staring at me like they're expecting me to continue being humorous or witty all night long. It just ain't gonna happen. I can't keep that train on the track.

So instead of "being up in the air looking down," I decided to go to that relaxed place I feel inside myself when I'm not putting any pressure on myself. I wanted to see if I could have my feet on the ground, so to speak, and talk to people if I wanted to -- or not -- and still feel good about it.

Well, guess what? I ended up making a new friend. And guess what else? Evan is about as shy as I am. We both even talked about our shyness. Neither of us felt the need to entertain each other so our conversation just came natural and we discovered we have similar tastes in music and a similar outlook on life in general. In other words we both ended up talking more than either of us normally does in a social setting like this.

It was amazing how much this put me in a good mood. There was even a part of me that wanted to stay a little longer than I normally like to at these kind of things.

On the way home I was in a very talkative mood with Matty, in fact being the one doing most of the talking, which is something of a reversal. I wasn't even talking about Evan either. I was just enjoying myself and how I was feeling inside. I could tell Matty was enjoying listening to me even though he didn't say much. His grin and occasional sideways glance told me everything.

When we got home he wrapped me in his arms for a really tight hug that was one of the best he's ever given. He was making a soft but deep growly sound and I knew exactly what he was telling me. Needless to say I just melted.

After shedding our clothes he reached over, grabbed around my waist, and lifted me up across his left shoulder, my legs in front of him and my head hanging off his back, and headed for the bedroom. It sorta took me by surprise but this time I didn't mind being "up in the air looking down" because I got treated to a very nice view of his ass. Sometimes being up in the air looking down is the perfect place to be.

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The Dance and a Boy with Gray Eyes

We went to the Youth Pride Dance this past Saturday night and had a ball!

I don't know if people remember us mentioning something about our next door neighbor. I think we said something about this in the comment section of one of our posts (see, you have to read all the comments to get the full news of what's happening!).

These are the neighbors we spend a good bit of time with and they are so cool. Brad and the wife/mother have really bonded around cooking, and the husband/father and I play pickup basketball with some of the other guys in the neighborhood. He's also the one who's been teaching me all about woodcarving (I'm going to be posting a pic of this penguin family I finally finished... and one has a red bow tie and I've named him B-boy, since Brad wore a red bow tie for our Valentine's Day dinner!).

Anyway, get to the point, Matt! Okay, I will.

So, if you read the comments from the post I just mentioned, you may remember they have a son named Jake who's in high school and he came out to them toward the end of last year. His parents have been very accepting and supportive of him, which didn't surprise us at all. Jake was extremely nervous about telling them even though he knew their reaction would probably be positive. That's something I can certainly relate to. No matter how well you know the people you're coming out to, you never, ever know for certain what they might say or how they might react initially.

Anyway, back to the story.

We told Jake about the dance to see if he might be interested in going with us. We showed him the Boston Pride site where they advertised the dance (which you can see two posts down) and he said he'd like to go. He definitely didn't want to go dressed in some Super Hero outfit, which was the theme of the dance, and we assured him neither of us wanted to either.

I don't know if they had any people our age planning the event, but seriously! Maybe other people our age are a little more ballsy than us, but I'm not going into downtown Boston dressed as Captain America or Spider Man! Sorry. Just not gonna happen! ;-)

 



<-----------------Brad


                  Matt--------------->
                     (is that a bulge
                he's got going there?)



On our way to the dance, Jake tells us his mom wanted to take his picture before he left. We're going, "Your picture? Why?" He said he thought she was looking at this as similar to him going to the Prom or something. We told him that was sweet but he just rolled his eyes. I told him he should have told her that big orgies usually break out at things like this, and he got a kick out of that! He said if he had told her that, she probably would have grounded him until he turned 18!

Since Jake has never been to anything like a gay event before, we told him a little about the one time we went to a gay bar. He said he probably wouldn't be dancing but just wanted to hang out with us. We could tell he was a little nervous about the whole thing and we told him we would stick together, but if he wanted to, we could all three dance together, which is what we ended up doing.

Well... Jake was doing a little more than just hanging out and dancing with us. He and this other guy had apparently been eyeing each other and a little before we left for the night, they chatted each other up for a while. Just the two of them.

He brought Brady over to meet us, and being the proud Big Brothers we are, we had a fun conversation with him. He was a little shy and we tried not to make it seem like we were doing a "pre-date screening" in case they decided to see each other at a later time.

They exchanged phone numbers and we left. On the way home, all Jake could talk about was Brady and how cute he was and how nice he seemed. Brad and I just beamed hearing all the information Jake was able to gather about this guy in the short time they chatted.

He knew what school the guy went to, his favorite music, some of his hobbies (which included taking care of and riding his grandfather's horses), a little bit about his family, who he's out to (his mom and step-dad and just a few very close friends), what kind of things he likes to do on the weekend, where he wants to go to college, his favorite color (!), how he's thinking about some body piercings, how he likes to experiment with different ways to style his hair, and, oh, by the way, "Would you like to exchange phone numbers and maybe we can talk more?"

I have to say it was so much fun to listen to him and hear him so excited. Jake has only been out for a really short time and hasn't had a boyfriend yet. Plus, he's also a little on the shy side and it was fun to see him bubbling with all this interest.

There was a little lull in our conversation on the way back home. Brad turned around and asked him what he was thinking about.

"He has gray eyes. The boy has gray eyes!"

"You got close enough in that lighting to see the color of his eyes?" Brad asked.

"Yeah. I told him I liked the color of his eyes."

I couldn't resist telling him, "Oh God. Jake, you know what that means in the gay world, right?"

"Huh? What?"

Before Brad could kick me, I said, "It means you're now engaged."

Well, Jake knows I sometimes say some pretty outrageous things, so he was on to me.

"Cool. Will you guys be my Best Men?"

So, we'll see where this goes. They've already texted each other a bunch and talked on the cell I don't know how many times. I saw him yesterday and asked him if they're registered anywhere so we can get them a wedding gift. He just looked at me with a straight face and with a seriousness I've never heard from him before and said, "Nope. We're still trying to decide on the wedding announcement. He wants something formal and I just want something a little more on the cas side."

My mouth fell open and I'm just staring at him. Like I say, Jake has always been on the shy side, but it looks like he's losing some of that now. It's been really nice to see Jake so excited. If they hit it off, this will be his first boyfriend. And Brady already passed our "pre-date screening." I don't know if they're going to date yet, but my guess is they will.

Our "no-longer shy" Little Brother and the Boy with the Gray Eyes. Ah, I remember so well the first time Brad and I met. Is this first love? Too soon to tell, I guess. But there's nothing in the world like finding out.

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Summer Work Party, a Swimsuit & a Prize

I think everybody knows I work at this construction company that also does home refurbishing. Or, if you're new to the blog, well, that's what I do.

I've been working there since graduating from high school and in addition to making some pretty good money, I've also learned a lot of new skills that really interest me. It's been a lot of fun to learn how to make different things like custom-made kitchen cabinets, tables, chairs, bookcases, etc. We also do stuff like knocking down walls to change the size or appearance of rooms, putting in new windows, doors, etc. I'm not one of those "construction workers" you see doing all kinds of outdoor work with hard hats, hard bodies and showing ass cracks when they bend over!

The guy who is the boss of the home refurbishing unit (which I'm a part of) is a really cool guy. He just turned 62 and is the kind of guy I'd be proud to have as a grandfather or uncle. He's not your typical "macho" cave man construction type, but is actually a really sweet, kind and gentle type of man. Everybody loves him. I mean, he's definitely the boss and you can't walk all over him. When he tells you to do something, you never, ever argue with him. And he definitely will not put up with anybody slacking off. I've seen him angry twice, and he never looses control or is mean, but you definitely know he means business. He's kind of taken me under his wings but he also expects a lot from me.

After I had been working there about a month, I gradually began coming out as gay to everybody. I never made any big announcement but just started working it into the conversation whenever the guys would talk about their girlfriends or wives, or talk about when they did over the weekend. I got a lot of stares at first, and sometimes there was this "loud silence" when I referred to Brad, but nobody ever hassled me or treated me unfairly.

It's pretty obvious that one guy doesn't like me, and I don't think it has anything to do with any problems we've had on the job. He's probably the most conservative guy there and is always spouting these ridiculous political opinions that often aren't based in any kind of rationality. I guess it would be safe to say that most of the guys working in my unit are more on the conservative side, or at least right of center. But I think I've earned the respect of everybody and I get treated as just one of the guys. I get a lot of ribbing because of my age (I'm the youngest one there), but it's all done in a playful way and I actually enjoy the attention because I feel like I fit in pretty well.

Well, every summer our boss has this huge cookout at his home where he invites everybody and you can bring one guest, usually your spouse or your girlfriend. Unfortunately, my unit doesn't have any women workers like the other two home refurbishing units do, so it's always assumed that the guest will be a wife or girlfriend. So, this year, guess what? They added a new category. You could bring your spouse, your girlfriend or your boyfriend!

So, another "first" can be added to mine and Brad's life! And guess what? We had a ball! Only one problem, though. The boss has this really big house with a huge swimming pool in the backyard. So far, so good. I love pools and swimming, but made a decision to buy a new swim suit.

I have a drawer full of Speedos, and that's all I've ever worn when I go swimming. I sorta chickened out though and decided not to push the envelope with this crew. I knew I would be going out of my comfort zone since I would not know half the people coming (spouses and girlfriends). So, I decided to get one of those "regular," "boring," "HUGE," pieces of cloth commonly known as your "traditional swim suit." Shopping for it was very painful (I know it was painful for Brad having to put up with my bad mood looking at all these things I really didn't want to buy).

I felt like I was buying something that was meant to help me "fit in" and was not really something that reflects my style or taste. But, I figured, one step at a time. Maybe next year, if I'm still there.

We did have a good time, though. I was determined not to be in a bad mood wearing this new "thing" called a "swim suit." When I jumped in the pool, I felt like it was going to absorb all the water in the pool and make me drown (okay, so I can be a little drama queen sometimes!). Well, I didn't drown, but I did feel like I was wearing a formal suit, like a coat and tie, long pants and shoes. Totally weird feeling!

AND, I won a prize! The boss always has a drawing for three prizes that add to the excitement of the party and they definitely add to increasing our morale. First prize was a week-long trip to the Virgin Islands. Second prize was an all-expense paid weekend at one of the 4-star hotels in Boston, and third prize was a gift-card for $100.00 and twenty free movie passes.

Well, Brad and I are not going to the Virgin Islands. We're not going to a 4-star hotel. But, we are getting $100.00 and tickets to 10 movies!

I'm gonna see if I can return the "thing" called a "regular swimsuit" and get my money back -- but I think it's in that category of "nonreturnables", like underwear, so I'm probably stuck with it. But, I might use the money to get me a new Speedo and, if I can twist his arm, get one for Brad. Brad says, "We'll see about that."

Anyway, it was a lot of fun to go with Brad. Just one more "first" we can add to our list. A growing list, I might add!

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Hot Guys and Our First Party

Well, another "first" for us as a couple.

I have a buddy who is in college and he and his boyfriend invited Brad and I to an After Gay Pride Party. This past Saturday was Gay Pride Day in Boston. We both wanted to go to see what it was all about, and it would have been another "first" for us. Neither of us has ever been to a Pride Day celebration but I had to work and Brad didn't want to go by himself.

So, my buddy invited us to this party he was going to that evening. We've not yet been to a gay bar or anything where there are just gay guys or even to a party where everybody is gay. I have to admit that my mind started spinning all out of control, like it does sometimes.

It's weird, but I hope it's not some kind of homophobia I've got going somewhere inside me that I didn't know about. But, I started imagining the party being this great big orgy thing or guys starting to hit all over Brad or something.

It was almost like I imagined it being this big free-for-all with these sex-craved guys going all psychotic. Do I really think this is what being gay is all about? Is this what I thought gay guys do when they get together for a party or dinner? Like, do they just leave all their morals at home and it's all about sex, sex, sex?

I talked to Brad about whether we should go or not. He just looked at me like he didn't know what I was saying. But, like he always does, he listens really well. He didn't make me feel like I was bad or wrong or mental. After I told him what I was thinking and feeling, he just said six words that started bringing me back to sanity: "Matt, I think it's just a party."

Why did this whole thing shake me up like this? I started thinking about what we were going to wear. Brad just said, "Well, Troy said it was just low-key casual. He said everybody was going to be back from all the Pride stuff downtown, so why don't we just wear jeans and a shirt?" Just like that. That simple!

So, to make a long story short (which is a real challenge for me!), we went to the party. Just jeans and a shirt. Just me and Brad. No big deal. So, what did it turn out to be?

There were about 20 people there altogether. The couple hosting it have this really cool house in this really cool neighborhood. Tricycles in some of the yards. Family mini-vans in some of the driveways. Reminded me of the neighborhood where I live. What had I been thinking? Did I think it was going to be in this "red-light" sleazy district with street-walkers or something? What is wrong with my mind? What is wrong with me?

We get inside, and instead of slings all over the place or some kind of sex dungeon and used condoms thrown all over the floor (!), it's a really nice, normal, middle-class house. No loud booming bass music blaring all over the place.

There's this buffet table set up in the dining room... Guys chatting each other up, laughing, joking around... Five or six guys seemed like they were in their forties, one couple said they had been married for 30 years, the rest looked like they were in their twenties and thirties. Everybody was wearing slacks, jeans or t-shirts. Everybody just having normal conversations, sitting around enjoying each other's company.

No sooner had we arrived and people were coming over to introduce themselves and meet us. Just a typical party. They seemed glad we had come and everybody made an effort to include us in everything. Nobody was stuck-up or arrogant or trying to "outshine" anybody else. And, (to my utter shame for even thinking it), nobody seemed the least bit focused on hitting on anybody else. Everybody was just enjoying being together for this After Pride party. Just a typical party.

It ended up being so much fun! My buddy and his boyfriend, and Brad and I were the youngest ones there. For some reason, everybody seemed interested in talking to us. And it was just normal questions and answers: How did we meet? How long have we been together? What kind of work did we do? And total acknowledgement and respect for our relationship.

So, we ended up having a blast! I'm so glad we went. But I have to keep going back to my original reaction to being invited to an "all gay" party. Brad thinks it was just my nervousness about doing something we'd never done before and not having anything to compare it to. That's probably it. All my insecurities were coming out.

But, to be as honest as I can be here, I really think it had something to do with being influenced by what society has been pounding in my head for years. That all gay guys do is have sex with each other all the time. That gay guys aren't capable of having just normal dinner parties. That gay guys are less mature than everybody else and are not capable of having normal (and sometimes boring) lives like everybody else. That insight into some of my internalized homophobia gives me something to work with now. Sure, I'm ashamed of it. But I think it's mature to recognize it and challenge it and come out being a better person for it.

So, will we go to another so-called "all gay party?" We're waiting for the next invitation. Several of the guys at this party asked for our phone number and told us they were having friends over to their place at different times during the summer.

So, all we gotta do now is make sure we have clean jeans and shirts, ready to go! Brad said he has to include his pumps and pearls also! Always the jokester! Or is he serious? You know what? It doesn't matter. It's all good!

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