horney paper storms: Coming Out

Showing posts with label Coming Out. Show all posts

Dad is "out" before son comes out

We haven't done many book reviews, but every now and then we come across a book we fall in love with and keep thinking about over and over.

In the interest of complete disclosure, I was one of the beta readers before Madison released this wonderful short story. When she sent me the manuscript I read it through and wondered, Why does she need a beta reader? I don't see anything I can suggest to make this any better.

But I did make one suggestion and she worked with it and made a change in something! Can you believe that? So naturally this is now my NUMBER ONE favorite story of all time and will remain so for all eternity!! LOL!!

Blurb:
Ryan is assigned to Jamie Peterson for his class's secret gift exchange. If word gets out that he has to make a handcrafted gift for flamboyant and openly gay Jamie, Ryan will be the laughing stock of the school. It's a good thing no self-respecting boy would be caught dead in a craft store, because otherwise he'd be at risk of being spotted when his mom drags him to her weekly craft workshops. He hopes Jamie will appreciate all the trouble he's going to for this assignment. Finding the perfect gift is gonna be tricky. Jamie deserves something good, though, after all the crap he has to put up with at school. At least, Ryan tells himself that's the reason he's putting so much thought into the gift. It couldn't be that he has feelings for Jamie, could it?

There is so much to love about this story, which falls in the Young Adult category. But if you think ONLY young people would enjoy this story, you're very mistaken. All you need to appreciate this story is a heart. And even if your heart is somewhat closed, after you read this story you'll find it a little more open than before.

This is a story we're planning to give to Jake (our high school next-door-neighbor) and his boyfriend, Brady. I can't wait to hear what they think of it.

BUT, this is a story we plan to give as a gift to our adult friends also. It recalls some things everybody who has been to high school can relate to. How do I fit in with other people my age? If I befriend this certain kid, is that going to damage my image as one of the "cool kids"?

What's more important to me? Doing the right thing, or maintaining my carefully cultivated image as "one of the in-crowd"? And what the hell do I do when I think I might want to be boyfriends with this emo-type, flamboyant kid? Does that mean I might be gay?

And why am I attracted to this "certain kid," who only has girls for friends, and, get this, LOVES TO KNIT? What does all this mean?

Well, I won't give anything away, but the resolution of these dilemmas is not exactly smooth sailing. The author does a really good job of getting into the heads of both these boys and their personalities and character. She has either spent a lot of time observing boys this age, or she's really a teenage boy masquerading as an adult! LOL! This story is like those wonderful Christmas bells you hear -- the ones that have a beautiful tone and ring true!

=========================================================

Madison has graciously offered a giveaway of her story to one lucky commenter. Just leave a comment along with your email addy and we'll be announcing the winner this Friday.

=========================================================

Even if you've already read the story, it would make a wonderful gift! Here's a direct link to Madison's site: Sock it to Me, Santa!.

If you've already read this story, feel free to let us know what you thought. Just remember, no spoilers, please. Thanks!

Oh, oh, oh... Matty made me mention something about Madison's upcoming debut novel (Play Me, I'm Yours) because one of the characters is reportedly a "speedo-sporting stud"!! Matty is also hoping this book is illustrated! It's scheduled to be released in April 2013, but Matty says that's not fast enough and Madison should bribe the publishers to move it up -- to tomorrow, please! LOL!

Now I need to learn a little more about knitting a sock monkey! I want one so bad!! I've never knitted before, but this story made me want to! ;)

Finding Pink Unicorns

Brad and I have been corresponding recently with a fellow blogger and we're learning we have a number of things in common with him.

If you get a chance, we'd like to introduce you to "JF" and the blog he's been keeping for the past three months.

His latest post was titled, Where are the pink unicorns when we need them?, and he wrote about what it was like when he came out to some friends of his. He even shared some things he learned in the hopes of helping others who might be preparing to come out.

We hope you check out this relatively new blog: Going Forward.

Welcome to the blogosphere, JF!

Another Actor Comes Out....

A young 20year old Ezra Miller comes out............ Good on him..... Honesty is always the better policy and he will STILL have a good career ahead of him........ And I am loving the scruffy "has to be scrubbed first" look he has ................

Dear Son...

Many of you may have already seen this letter since it appears to have gone viral. Thanks to Rolly for writing and telling us about it. Sometimes I'm not always in the "viral loop." There's a link to this guy's blog at the end.

Apparently a boy came out to his family and afterwards his dad wrote him a short note essentially disowning him. I saw the dad's note and couldn't stop crying. It was awful.

The blogger who wrote the following letter also saw the dad's note. He explained,
=======================================

My son is living in his mom's belly right now, so obviously we don't know his sexual orientation. Still, the letter I read Tuesday morning [of the dad who disowned his gay son] made me wonder what my letter would say if the news that my son was gay ended up being a surprise. So here it is:

Dear hypothetically gay son,

You're gay. Obviously you already know that, because you told us at the dinner table last night. I apologize for the awkward silence afterwards, but I was chewing. It was like when we're at a restaurant and the waiter comes up mid-bite and asks how the meal is, only in this metaphor you are the waiter, and instead of asking me about my meal, you said you were gay. I don't know why I needed to explain that. I think I needed to find a funny way to repeat the fact that you're gay... because that is what it sounds like in my head right now: "My son is gay. My son is gay. My son is gay."

Let me be perfectly clear: I love you. I will always love you. Since being gay is part of who you are, I love that you're gay. I'm just trying to wrap my head around the idea. If you sensed any sadness in my silence last night, it was because I was surprised that I was surprised. Ideally, I would have already known. Since you were an embryo, my intent has always been to really know you for who you are and not who I expect you to be. And yet, I was taken by surprise at last night's dinner. Have I said "surprise" enough in this paragraph? One more time: Surprise!

OK. Let's get a few things straight about how things are going to be.

Our home is a place of safety and love. The world has dealt you a difficult card. While LGBT people are becoming more accepted, it is still a difficult path to walk. You're going to experience hate and anger and misunderstandings about who you are out in the world. That will not happen here. You need to know with every fiber of who you are that when you walk in the front door of your home, you are safe, and you are loved. Your mother is in complete agreement with me on this.
I am still, as always, your biggest defender. Just because you're gay doesn't mean you're any less capable of taking care of and defending yourself. That said, if you need me to stand next to you or in front of you, write letters, sign petitions, advocate, or anything else, I am here. I would go to war for you.
If you're going to have boys over, you now need to leave your bedroom door open. Sorry, kiddo. Them's the breaks. I couldn't have girls in my room with the door shut, so you don't get to have boys.
You and I are going to revisit that talk we had about safe sex. I know it's going to be awkward for both of us, but it is important. I need to do some research first, so let's give it a few weeks. If you have questions or concerns before then, let me know.

That's enough for now. Feel free to view this letter as a contract. If I ever fail to meet any of the commitments made herein, pull it out and hold me to account. I'll end with this: You are not broken. You are whole, and beautiful. You are capable and compassionate. You and your sister are the best things I have ever done with my life, and I couldn't be prouder of the people you've become.

Love,
Dad

P.S. Thanks to a few key Supreme Court decisions and the Marriage Equality Act of 2020, you're legally able to get married. When I was your age, that was just an idea. Pretty cool, huh?

========================
Link to Ask Your Dad blog.

Matt and I were looking back over some of the comments you guys left on the post before this one and it got us to thinking some about how young gay guys get comfortable with their new identity as "gay" when they decide to come out. And also how they figure out if "dating" another guy is similar to a guy dating a girl.

If you haven't read about our next door neighbor, Jake, you might want to scroll down to get some background. Also, check out the comments people left to see why we started thinking about all this.

We talked to Jake last night and he told us Brady invited him to go riding horses this weekend. Brady's grandfather lives a little ways outside Boston and has some horses that Brady helps take care of and ride.

Jake came over to talk to us about this bit of news and said he told Brady he'd love to. He asked us if this might be considered their "first date." Can you tell Jake is all excited and also a bit nervous?

Jake's never been on a date before, either with a girl or another guy, so this whole thing is completely new to him. Neither Matt nor I have ever dated girls but we feel pretty sure there are some things very much in common. You know, that initial excitement (on the one hand) and nervousness (on the other) when you ask another person out on a date for the first time in your life.

Oh, and also that same excitement and nervousness when you've been asked out for the very first date in your life. I'm pretty sure all of this excitement and nervousness is similar whether you're gay, straight, bi, or trans.

So we told Jake that in our very extensive and wise life experience, he was most definitely asked out on a date by Brady. It was beyond cute and adorable when he sorta relaxed, let out a sigh, got just a small hint of a smile, and simply said in a quiet, shy voice, "Cool."

Well, Jake told us he's never been on a horse before and is all nervous he's going to look like a dork. He said he was doing some research on it and found some vids on YouTube that show you how to get on the horse's back and how to hold the reins and how to "steer" it! Oh man, it was so cute to listen to him talk about it. We held in a grin when he talked about "steering" the horse! Such a city boy!

But we also got to thinking later about what some of you were talking about in the comments in the last post. That whole thing about being there for someone who just came out and is new to this identity. About being a "Big Brother" (or "mentor") to someone and helping them feel more comfortable to ask questions they might have about dating another guy, or other stuff that might be on their mind.

When Matt and I were Jake's age (he's in high school), there were always many opportunities to get a sense of how to connect and relate to girls. You got to actually see it happen all around you every day. And I don't know about girls, but guys love talking about their love interests. Some of it is silly and some of it is a little more serious, so we got a pretty good idea about how straight guys thought about dating, love, sex, friendship, etc., with girls.

In addition to all that, all you have to do is turn on TV and see it being played out there also. Oh, and you were always being asked by different family members (aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.) if you had a girlfriend. You could tell it was something they really wanted to hear about, so there was lots of encouragement and support for that.

But... where, and how, do young gay guys like Jake learn about dating another guy? It's not something you see happening in school and it's not something you see other teen guys doing on TV. It may sound silly, but if you're a guy, where do you learn how to flirt with another guy? Do you approach a guy differently from how you might approach a girl you're interested in?

If you were the parent or friend of a gay high school teen and he asked you these questions, how would you answer him?

And how do you go about accepting and loving yourself so you don't have to pretend you're something you're not? And how do you deal with people's hatred and disgust of you? Who do you talk to about all this where you won't be judged or made fun of or told you're sick for having these feelings? Where you'll get the support and encouragement you need to feel good about yourself?

I don't think hearing Jake talk about watching a YouTube vid about how to get on a horse or how to steer the animal is anything to laugh at, even though it was more humorous in a cute way. And I don't think doing something like that is different for straight guys or straight girls. That's just about being nervous you might look like a dork in front of the very first person you've ever dated.

So we'll be there for Jake as he gets ready for his very first date, and we'll be there for him after the date. I guess it's really all about finding ways to care about each other. And be there for each other. And support each other.

If Jake was at least 18, we would probably see if he wanted to write a post for us on how to "steer" a horse in case other young gay guys out there get invited to go horse-riding as their very first date ever. I'm sure there would be a lot of important stuff in it, as well as being a lot of fun to read.

The Dance and a Boy with Gray Eyes

We went to the Youth Pride Dance this past Saturday night and had a ball!

I don't know if people remember us mentioning something about our next door neighbor. I think we said something about this in the comment section of one of our posts (see, you have to read all the comments to get the full news of what's happening!).

These are the neighbors we spend a good bit of time with and they are so cool. Brad and the wife/mother have really bonded around cooking, and the husband/father and I play pickup basketball with some of the other guys in the neighborhood. He's also the one who's been teaching me all about woodcarving (I'm going to be posting a pic of this penguin family I finally finished... and one has a red bow tie and I've named him B-boy, since Brad wore a red bow tie for our Valentine's Day dinner!).

Anyway, get to the point, Matt! Okay, I will.

So, if you read the comments from the post I just mentioned, you may remember they have a son named Jake who's in high school and he came out to them toward the end of last year. His parents have been very accepting and supportive of him, which didn't surprise us at all. Jake was extremely nervous about telling them even though he knew their reaction would probably be positive. That's something I can certainly relate to. No matter how well you know the people you're coming out to, you never, ever know for certain what they might say or how they might react initially.

Anyway, back to the story.

We told Jake about the dance to see if he might be interested in going with us. We showed him the Boston Pride site where they advertised the dance (which you can see two posts down) and he said he'd like to go. He definitely didn't want to go dressed in some Super Hero outfit, which was the theme of the dance, and we assured him neither of us wanted to either.

I don't know if they had any people our age planning the event, but seriously! Maybe other people our age are a little more ballsy than us, but I'm not going into downtown Boston dressed as Captain America or Spider Man! Sorry. Just not gonna happen! ;-)

<-----------------Brad

                  Matt--------------->
                     (is that a bulge
                he's got going there?)

On our way to the dance, Jake tells us his mom wanted to take his picture before he left. We're going, "Your picture? Why?" He said he thought she was looking at this as similar to him going to the Prom or something. We told him that was sweet but he just rolled his eyes. I told him he should have told her that big orgies usually break out at things like this, and he got a kick out of that! He said if he had told her that, she probably would have grounded him until he turned 18!

Since Jake has never been to anything like a gay event before, we told him a little about the one time we went to a gay bar. He said he probably wouldn't be dancing but just wanted to hang out with us. We could tell he was a little nervous about the whole thing and we told him we would stick together, but if he wanted to, we could all three dance together, which is what we ended up doing.

Well... Jake was doing a little more than just hanging out and dancing with us. He and this other guy had apparently been eyeing each other and a little before we left for the night, they chatted each other up for a while. Just the two of them.

He brought Brady over to meet us, and being the proud Big Brothers we are, we had a fun conversation with him. He was a little shy and we tried not to make it seem like we were doing a "pre-date screening" in case they decided to see each other at a later time.

They exchanged phone numbers and we left. On the way home, all Jake could talk about was Brady and how cute he was and how nice he seemed. Brad and I just beamed hearing all the information Jake was able to gather about this guy in the short time they chatted.

He knew what school the guy went to, his favorite music, some of his hobbies (which included taking care of and riding his grandfather's horses), a little bit about his family, who he's out to (his mom and step-dad and just a few very close friends), what kind of things he likes to do on the weekend, where he wants to go to college, his favorite color (!), how he's thinking about some body piercings, how he likes to experiment with different ways to style his hair, and, oh, by the way, "Would you like to exchange phone numbers and maybe we can talk more?"

I have to say it was so much fun to listen to him and hear him so excited. Jake has only been out for a really short time and hasn't had a boyfriend yet. Plus, he's also a little on the shy side and it was fun to see him bubbling with all this interest.

There was a little lull in our conversation on the way back home. Brad turned around and asked him what he was thinking about.

"He has gray eyes. The boy has gray eyes!"

"You got close enough in that lighting to see the color of his eyes?" Brad asked.

"Yeah. I told him I liked the color of his eyes."

I couldn't resist telling him, "Oh God. Jake, you know what that means in the gay world, right?"

"Huh? What?"

Before Brad could kick me, I said, "It means you're now engaged."

Well, Jake knows I sometimes say some pretty outrageous things, so he was on to me.

"Cool. Will you guys be my Best Men?"

So, we'll see where this goes. They've already texted each other a bunch and talked on the cell I don't know how many times. I saw him yesterday and asked him if they're registered anywhere so we can get them a wedding gift. He just looked at me with a straight face and with a seriousness I've never heard from him before and said, "Nope. We're still trying to decide on the wedding announcement. He wants something formal and I just want something a little more on the cas side."

My mouth fell open and I'm just staring at him. Like I say, Jake has always been on the shy side, but it looks like he's losing some of that now. It's been really nice to see Jake so excited. If they hit it off, this will be his first boyfriend. And Brady already passed our "pre-date screening." I don't know if they're going to date yet, but my guess is they will.

Our "no-longer shy" Little Brother and the Boy with the Gray Eyes. Ah, I remember so well the first time Brad and I met. Is this first love? Too soon to tell, I guess. But there's nothing in the world like finding out.

Coming Out & Coming In

When both of us came out as gay four years ago, we were in our mid-teens (15 for Brad, 16 for Matt). It seemed at the time that we had done something pretty monumental...

Hi Everybody! We're guest posting over at one of our favorite blogs, Chicks & Dicks.

This month their theme is Living Out With Pride in celebration of Pride Month all over the world. Our guest post is one thing we're doing to celebrate the festivities.

We worked on this post together and we hope you head over and check it out. Oh, and while you're there leave us a comment to let us know you dropped by. Pretty please? ;-)

Hunger Games' Josh Hutcherson meet GSA leaders

Josh Hutcherson, star of The Hunger Games, spoke with the Gay Straight Alliance recently at a Los Angeles high school.

In 2011 he filmed a Public Service Announcement for Straight But Not Narrow (SBNN) and last month filmed a video along with SBNN leader Avan Jogia meeting with Gay Straight Alliance leaders.

The Journey of an Openly Gay Teen Hockey Player

Thanks to Rolly, one of our Canadian followers, who told us about this story.

If you want to read something inspirational that will have you cheering one minute and crying tears of joy the next, check this out. We're posting one of his videos where he talks about coming out, and we'll have a link to the other videos he's doing documenting his journey.

(Scott Heggart, third from right, received a lot of support from his sister Sonya Long, left, father Randy, boyfriend Brock Doivon, mother Julie Wilson and brother Russell when he came out, but it was his teammates' reaction that proved most surprising. "They recognized how much courage it took and they recognized how much trust he was putting in them," Julie says.) Photograph credit: Bruno Schlumberger, Ottawa Citizen
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

From The National Post (March 17, 2012):

Scott Heggart was a big, strapping teenager, who topped out at six-foot-four. He played football, basketball, softball and hockey.

And he had a secret.

It was difficult enough to share it with his mom and dad.

But as a young athlete, steeped in the machismo of sport, where “about the worst thing” is to be a “fag” or a “homo,” there was one conversation that was even harder.

Telling his teammates he was gay.

(Story continues by clicking here.)

=============================================

The rest of his Youtube videos documenting his journey can be found here: Scott's videos.

Coming Out & Coming In: 2 Lessons from Maine

Matt and I were talking about our vacation to Maine. It's hard to believe we've actually been together a whole year now. So much has happened. I've met the boy of my dreams. Fallen in love. Lost my virginity. Gone to my school Prom with my boyfriend. Graduated High School. Just returned from a one-week vacation as a graduation present from Matt's aunt and uncle. Unbelievable. Friggin' unbelievable! Except it's all true!

It's was obvious to everyone at the Bed and Breakfast that we were a couple. I mean, duh! The owners of course knew because they're friends of Matt's aunt and uncle. Each of the other three couples probably figured it out in like 30 seconds. No way they would figure we were brothers (how many brothers our age hold hands, call each other things like "babe" or "sweetie," or kiss?) or even think we were best friends.

I've been out as gay since I was 15. I'm 18 now. It still amazes me how in some ways it is easy to come out to people, and how it terrifies me in other situations. Going to the B & B made me nervous. I mean, we were going to be spending a week with three other (unknown) couples and there are never any guarantees about what people are going to think (which I don't worry about all that much) but you never, ever know how they are going to treat you. That I worry about. I mean, this vacation was a graduation present for me and it was the first vacation Matt and I have ever taken. I wanted it to be perfect for both of us.

It ended up being about as perfect a vacation as I could have hoped for. One couple was a little stand-offish at first, and they didn't interact a whole lot with us like the other two couples did. They didn't say or do anything that was rude or offensive, so we have that to be thankful for. They were sorta noticing us, but not really including us in things, which is their right. I mean, no big deal.

The other two couples, and the owners, were totally accepting and inclusive of us. One of the women nudged her hubby one evening while everybody was in the Common Room in front of the fireplace after dinner. Me and Matt were sorta cuddling and enjoying the conversation and all the questions they had about how we met, going to the prom together, our families, etc. The wife said to her hubby something like, "Now, watch those two sweet boys, Harold, and learn something about romance." Harold turned three shades of red but he, and everybody, just got into the moment. We were all having a blast. How totally cool was that?

They all called us "Sleepy Heads" when we came down a little late for breakfast each morning, and seemed to enjoy making really cute and playful comments about how we were enjoying our bedroom! Man, it was almost unreal. Totally, totally wonderful!

I got to thinking about how "Coming Out" also included the opportunity to "Come In" as a whole person, if that makes any sense. I mean, coming out is something that comes from inside you and is directed to others. By "coming in" I mean that you "come into" a more complete person when you can just be your whole self with others.

I noticed that I learned more about myself when Matt and I were in a safe place to just be ourselves. I mean, we didn't have to censor anything we said or did in front of them. I felt like something really amazing and important was happening "in" me as a result of being "out" and completely myself there. I felt, I don't know, more mature, more whole as a person, more confident, more hopeful. I kept telling Matt that I was beginning to understand what "joy" is all about. I also began to feel "fully alive." I know this may sound like a lot of clichés, but, believe me, inside it was almost overwhelming. I guess that's what I mean when I say that "coming out" is an opportunity to "come in"..... to come into you're true self.... to be a part of life without hiding, so be seen for who you really are.

Writing about all this is making me so happy. I feel a lot more hopeful about the future -- our future. I feel like I'm "coming into" more of who I am as a whole person! What more could I ask for?

horney paper storms